Christ on a bike (part 2)

Remember this and that

Things are about to get even more creepier - believe me - and its all down to John

Anyhoo, to make some sense of this entry .. I was having a retro 2 hours - going thru some of my old CDs - one of which collapsed lung - I have this fantastic tshirt which I bought at a CL gig in leeds many many years ago, and its now towards the end of time. So dug around on T'Internet for places selling T-Shirts with the infamous C**LER blue and white tshirt. Sadly couldnt find anything, then decided to switch my search tactics to the newly formed band. I knew ant way back when life was simple and there was a thing called student grants, so decided to check out his name. Came across a hotmail/msn address - so decided to add it on the off chance - sure enough - up pops MSN.

We get chatting, have a laugh - talk about past, present and future - I let slip where I live, what I'm doing. Turns out Ant (my teenage hero) knows someone from the same area, working at the same place via his gaming channels - turns out to be no other than Gary Barker.

Bunch of Arse -nal

They say football is all about the highs and lows - now let me tell you *waving fist in your general direction* - 2004 has been a complete waste of a year in terms of Newcastle United (maybe with the exception of reaching the semis of the uefa cup. Anyhoo, the last couple of games have been dross - please - someone - tell me - how can you play a central defender on the right and a right back in central defence AND the same in midfield - just chaos all over again. We are now playing like the dalglesh era - aka - getting up to their box - bricking our pants and punting it back to the keeper - and starting all over again. Like I say, if you're a geordie and support the toon, then you'll know its been a bad time lately. When Sky billed the Newcastle v Arsenal game as last game of 2004 three things sprung to mind;

• whitewash
• shambles
• Where's my Carling Rich ?

Anyhoo, it turned out to be a good game, entertaining and more importantly - passionate and Newcastle playing for a little bit of pride for a change. Yea yea, we have Shearer injured, Kluivert out, blah blah, its still not excuse for people raking in 20/30K a week for being scared of a ball. Turns out that a) we should have a pen due to some dodgy refereeing and b) arsenal's only goal was spawny if not a little brilliant.

After refusing a lockin (Rich is off swanning around Europe over New Year and had a flight at 8am) we ended up in the Kebabital and bumped into JT (Dirty Mackem scum - but very nice bloke - even after the "Dont tell Mrs T - but Newcastle are a massive team compared to Sunderland" convo at his 30th) who decided to rip into my new funky jumper I purchased from GAP that day - THANKS!

BYE THEN, XMAS!!!

Xmas is a time to be with those you care about, and I done just that. After work and a good game of football on Wednesday night, I drove straight up North in the top quality 110 quid for 7 days hire car. Managed to get to my mothers around 10:30 so, not a bad journey really. However (and this isnt slating my mother off) but she has the smallest, coldest spare room in the world, with the smallest, coldest single bed in the universe. Needless to say, with the M1 still going through my head I didnt get to sleep til around 3am. Bless my mother, she put a hot water bottle in my bed to take the chill out of the bed. A couple of things you may or may not want to know, but as I fall asleep, I somehow become the hottest material in the solar system - this is great when its cold - not what you had a hotwater bottle in the bed.

As I was working from the Newcastle office, I had to be up at some unearthly hour of 7.30am - Within seconds of being the hottest object, I went to the coldest as soon as I managed to crawl out of bed. Knowing my mum had a shower, I attempted to warm myself up - although she has one of them showers, you know, one twist to the left, the water is minus 802 degrees, one twist to the right, you loose your skin - never a happy medium. Between here and Xmas Day, I visited Philippa, a close friend that I've been in touch with since school. We had a laugh, I had a can of carling and got sent on my way.

Xmas day was cool (in more ways than one) - had a nice sleep in - well, I managed to staple myself to the bed so I wouldnt fall out. Opened nice presents from my mum - then got showered (at this point I dont have any skin left) and we went over to my sisters (Gillian) who was cooking Xmas Lunch for us all - she was looking a little green around the cheeks, so said I would help her out, where she left to go upstairs. Already stinking of garlic from her Kebab from the infamous Xmas Eve Beer Session - she came back looking a little rough and admitting that she had just chucked her guts - at which point I took control of the dinner - incase she collapsed in the turkey - to which point my Dad turned up. Lunch was nice, even tho I may say so myself - and we had a laugh, they all drank in front of me (sure they were trying to rub it in) - also got a suprise call from the lovely Jess to wish me a Merry Xmas too - purr.

Boxing day was chilled (in more ways than one) - and managed to find Ikea open - so done some shopping there before going back to Winlaton to take some photos of the pubs. After my hands going blue, I went to visit another close friend from school, Een. It was their baby girl's birthday (little Jess - not sexy stoodent - that would just be wrong) 1st birthday last month, so felt guilty and only met her once. She is the sweetest thing in the world - very intellgent already - and got me thinking about having a kid (although, technically I have to find someone to have a baby with). Een and myself made plans for a drunken night up in Winlaton, while having extra large buttons forced into my arm and kids juice poured all over my jeans.

So it was set, I was going to stay at my sisters for the night, go out drinking with Een and Harry (Een's Dad). Winlaton is like the wild west of old - you cannot predict what will happen - ever. Its a constant source of amusement for those who know where to stand and who to watch, the girls are lovely looking, yet knobbing complete Chavs, Crimmies and those with half a brain cell - hence me and Een never pulling in Winlaton. We chatted, chilled out and eventually got drunk - so after last orders, myself and Een decided that chips and gravy would be ideal to close the night. I promised I would take my sister a kebab back (at this point she was at a house party down her road). I managed to stagger back to my sisters street (through one of the dodgiest estates) and had a couple of bottles at this house party - which was nice - traditional geordie welcoming - well apart from who's house it was. After chips, I fell into a Carling/Stella/Fosters Coma until the next morning.

Said my good byes to my sister and my mum - packed the car, drove down and arrived 6 hours later - lovely - no food, no beer, no women at my place. Managed to resolve 2 out of the 3 by going to costcutters for Stella, and Mamma's Pizza for Pizza. Watched Lara Croft - which is probably the worst film I've ever seen - then watched Star Wars Ep 4 - had another suprise call from the lovely Jess. Collapsed into another Stella Coma - woke up Tuesday - went shopping - the end.

Pubs Pubs Pubs and More Pubs

After John and Debbie's top quality mini-project of photos of Leamington's Pubs, I decided I would do the same for my home town when I was up for Xmas. I give you - Public Houses of Winlaton. In comparison - not very good to John's collection - but you can see what life up north is like via the power of the Internet. It's probably very much safer than a visit to the Wild West of Winlaton.

Merry Weekend.

Well apart from the Chaos of pub mania ... which has turned out to be a whole year round activity. I have managed to sort out a hire car to newcastle. How the mighty has fallen, from Ka -> Rover 25 -> MG TF - how to class a hire car. Not trying to be a snob, but I like my comfort - doesnt matter if its my Ted Baker tshirts, my canal side flat, or comfy sports car - but its getting me from a to b - with a little more than I expected. Anyhoo, as of Wednesday lunch time, I will be hiring some dodgy Sinclair C5 or something. Going back to Newcastle is going to be a little strange, baring in mind I havent been there since April for friend Een's daughter Jess's chistening. I have the car til Wednesday lunch time, so I expect Monday/Tuesday return - depending on how stressed my family get me. Harsh I know - and its probably my fault because I dont visit as much as I should and could. I am looking forward to it .. mainly because its an excuse of getting out of the Leamington goldfish bowl, but also in the same nanosecond, very scared of whats going to be up there - my parents getting older, memories from yesteryear and the pull back to the geordie nation. I never thought I would want to go back, but experiences over the last 3 or 4 months are starting to suck me back. I've started to drift further than I expected too, getting stuck in that very very usual ruck - which can be good - dont get me wrong.

Anyhoo, I've managed to get into the Xmas spirit - mainly by buying Mincepies and wearing a Santa's hat - which I gave away in my festive mood - I've managed to get nearly all of my presents purchased - so I'm on course. I just know that come April/May I'll be humming Christmas Tunes at work - confusing people as I have already this year.

I have three christmas wishes for this year - one of which no one can provide - I'm sure, one I can provide to someone else, and one I wish could happen to a close friend - because "I like to see my friends happy"

Football - Gumball more like

I had a hazy text message session with an old, close and trustworthy friend of my lastnight. This was in the middle of a session with Captain Rich. Anyhoo, Een - close, trustworthy friend has decided to arrange an unofficial gumball in the UK - invite only of course. I think the idea is that we start off in a location in the UK - and finsh at a predefined location in the fastest possible time. I called Een back up today to see how his arrangements were going - and what the fuck he was on about - turns out its a little like the cannonball run - so decided I might turn up like the below fellow - Captain Chaos

However, one small problem at the moment, I dont have a car - so the only things I can think are;

• Push bike
• Sinclair C5
• Buy a car when insurance comes through
• Hire the "66" bus for a weekend as a laugh.

mmmm Christmas Punch (part 2)

Strangely feeling OK and working from home, I suggested that Captain Rich & Admiral Bob meet me in the Hogs Head for lunch. To which Rich then arranged some kind of gathering when Captain Blunty and Princess Nomes turned up at 13:15. So we have a couple of pints, spot of food and nomes goes back to work. Things started to flow and I thought I could get used to this, however 2 hours into the session, I got called out with a project I was working on, so went back home, leaving Blunty and Rich to talk about lastnights party. After fixing the problem due to one character being incorrect, I gave Rich a shout to see if he was still in town, to which I recieved slurring, swearing and abuse - told him I would be up in 10 mins.

Once again the beer started to flow, Rich kept repeating the fact that he was drinking through the pain barrier to sober up, grinned for a while and finished his drink. Blunty then makes an exit as he was meeting friends in Kenilworth, so myself and the Captain decided food was in order - Bodrums Fish and Chip shop, where I had the hardest chips in the world, and the Captain had the ropiest looking kebab in the world. Rich was about to head home until I told him that the IT students were having a Xmas do at Yates around the corner. Of course, this was like a kid in a candy shop, we attended, bought beers and took the piss a little more - managing to aquire Santa hats each. We went down to the Well after this, where the IT students left one by one, however before this recieving a call from the lovely Jess asking if I wanted to meet her. So, of course, speechless I met up and we had a swift one in the Jug and had a little chat. Jess said that she was going back to Leeds for a couple of days to get away from the place, and might see me after Xmas. Her mum then came to pick her up, so like a gentleman, I walked her to the car. She did look vr foxy lastnight - sadly not staying any longer - which is a shame coz she is a lovely lass, got alot of time for her - being foxy and clicking with me has nowt to do with it - obviously.

Anyhoo, after most of the students had left, we decided to go for a wander for a change of venue - Kelsey's - a funny place, we were the only ones looking remotely festive, so we supped our pints and left. Rich suggested we might get into TJs - Leamingtons finest Bistro and Bar - still wearing our hats and now deffo feeling the effects of basically 48 hours constant boozing. John and Debbie where at the IBM Ball in Birmingham, so kept receiving text messages saying how I was probably their best neighbour and how I'm so nice blah blah. So we get into TJs - even tho its a private party - where Rich produces a black straw and bends it to look like a microphone - looking dapper - I decided I should follow his cool actions - after more beer, 80s music and looking like a pair of tits - we called it a day - still wearing microphone straws.

mmm Christmas Punch (part 1)

Well, what can I say, xmas is all about friends, family and basically getting shit faced as much as you can, in a small space of time. So much as happened over the last couple of days, I've tried to document it in small, and semi-understandable chunks - so here we go with Thursday.

The Day : Thursday, The Place : Leamington, The time - Thursday and Friday.

It was the IBM xmas do for ebiz at Maccy's, although I wasnt invited out for the meal (damn you - and let me tell you!!) but Rich and Nomes kindly asked me to the after beer mele (oh, so true on so many levels), before we went off to the sales Xmas do for more of the same, but for me - some food as well. After spending an hour waiting around for Rich for finish his 702 desserts - I decided to to go to the Hogs Head (now called the old butchers - not frank) for a sly one. Of course, in true Headworth style, he calls up as I get myself a pint - so being across the road he decided to slip out for a sly one and join me. To which he suggested if I wanted to have a laugh, I should suggest to a fellow Geordie about taking out his 18 and 21 year old daughters. Up for a laugh, I decided this would be funny - however I dont think Rich found the funny side when fellow Geordie Steve G grabbed him around the throat asking why I'm sniffing around his daughters. Anyhoo, we went over to the party to meet everyone else - where I was greated by Rich's manager shouting - "you're not ebiz, get the fuck out of here" - being a quiet and shy lad - I decided to tell him to shut the fuck up and sit down, he was a shambles, mess and couldnt manage a xmas pudding - nevermind a Team. This piss take basically continued for about 20 mins, when the next thing I know - three people are running out of the party and one of the team leaders holding his head with blood pouring out. Not someone to miss out, myself and Rich went over and mocked a little and got given more drinks by people who I've done favours for over the last years.

We moved on to Baroque to the sales gig, was good - less people, more fancy dress. JT - was dressed as homer simpson. Anyhoo - half way through the procedings, one of the lads gets a text message saying theres been more trouble, the same guy who hit the team leader, tried to headbutt the team leaders mate, and failed - and the lad's gf got a smash pint glass and threatened him - it all kicked off and family unity decreased as the lads brother started to make his feelings know.

Anyhooo. After this - we all piled into Rio's - some had beer, some had water - some left early - some stayed until after kicking out time.

What do you do ?

In the heart of my confusing, mental, adhoc world - there are a number of things which are still unclear - some of which are probably best kept like that - or my mind would explode. Anyhoo, its the festive time of year, drink starts to pour. There is someone in my magical mystical world who I really care deeply about. We're talking the type of person that makes the world stand still apart from you and her (you know - the matrix special effect gubbins) , the type of person that leaves you feeling weak at the knees and the type of person that you instantly click with that she leaves you speachless. You're probably thinking, this is all a little cheesy, and maybe it is ... but its coming from the heart. I havent felt like this about anyone, ever, and some people know about my history and what i've been through. Sometimes I dont know what goes on in her head, and I dont pretend too - sometimes i think we're so close but so far away. Strange hey ? Guess its one of them things when you've just met someone, but also feel like youve met them all you're life.

ANYHOO - here comes the complication / other hand to the story. Someone I've basically copped off with many times in the past (and friend) - well, we managed to do it again at an IT related xmas do. It was a corner of the pub/club situation, but she's seeing someone. I know she likes me, and I do think sometimes there could be a future of it. Anyhow, she basically told me I need to go away and think about stuff - what do I want, etc etc etc.

So what do you do when you close your eyes and think about someone constantly, think of their smile and stand still until that image leaves your mind (sometimes 5 mins until your grin goes). There is no pressure nor is there any stress, nor is there any kind of advertisement needed. Do you go for the safety and know that if you go for the latter, you are safe - but risk missing out on something that would be and will be so great

I know what I want, I know who I want - Its a case of if she wants the same thing, she wants someone she can trust, and maybe help her through alot of gubbins

Deep huh ?

For some reason, and I guess its mainly down to loosing the car - I REALLY hate Xmas this year. I know its harsh, and I know its a scrooge thing to do. Basically I could sleep for Xmas day and boxing day and not give a fuck. Its even got to the sitation where I'm waving my fist at festive things and screaming DAMN YOU!!!.

It might be because, Woolworths stock Xmas Festive Chocolate packs in August, it might be because you can book your Xmas Lunch at Hogs Head in Sept - its just boring.

On the other side, I'm really looking forward to seeing my folks again.

Trains Planes and Automobiles

After 3 months of no car action and xmas coming up very very very quickly, I am starting to worry how I'm going to get to Newcastle for xmas. Captain Bob (rich's team leader) said he would lend me his company car, however had to then take back the offer due to some legal rangling about only being used for work business. To be fair, his dad was in hospital with some small issue - oh yeah, heart attack - that'll be it.

Alison (my team leader) also offered me her spare car as her boyfriend and she are swanning off to Mainland Europe snowboarding. However, the added complication is that she's in India and her boyfriend is in Spain at the moment and dont return til Tuesday.

Anyhoo, decided to call my mother up after I got in from football - just to hear a friendly voice (explained in the above) - of course, she rants on how its close to xmas and I need a fall back plan - basically everything you dont want to hear, because you know its true - and you're bricking your pants about it.

Question of Sport ?

I bring you ... Duck Football

Canal United (pictured above) utilising the 4-4-2 formation.

Shake your music maker!

A list of good albums I've purchased this year;

The best of Bananarama - Bananarama
Who Killed the Zutons
Prefab Sprout - The best of prefab sprout
Keane

Haircut 100

My hair has been getting into a state lately, I'm trying to grow it before its too late and I cant any longer. So trying to keep length on top, but keeping it nice looking at the back and sides has been a pain. I tend to try doing it myself, and end up shaving it all off, back to square one. Over the last couple of weeks, things have been living in my hair, things like squirrels and chipmonks - so prompted me to pay a professional £8.50 to cut and shape my hair. This is the first time I've been to a Gents Barbers for about 3 years - needless to say, it was an experience and was a little scared.

Lock Shock and Barrel

Saturday was the re-opening of the Lock Stock and Barrel in Leamington (Hiya John) - litterally over the road from Canal House Properties. One of the lads from work and his brothers * had taken over the place and we were invited via loads of emails at work. I was going to have a quiet one, but thought - bugger it, why not. So, after pre-pub drinks with John and Debbie, we had a quick pint - at which point Captain Geordie Mike, his Girlfriend, Super Gary and his bird, and Tom turned up. Feeling a little dodgy about strange looking people walking around, obviously setting up some drug run/eating/drinking/getting knocked over by pikey kids - we decided to venture down to the Jug and Jester for quiet drinks, where myself Tom and Mike reminised about the Keegan era, the pro's and con's of the season that nearly was and our failings over the years.

Anyhoo, after huge amounts of alcohol we stumbled back - although unlike the previous times, managed to avoid next doors "come in and have a quick one - Warning : You will stay til 03:45 drinking & singing Gold at the top of your voice very very badly" offer - and somehow got into bed around 01:00.

Hotel California - well Hotel NY

Well, after weeks of faffing around trying to coordinate the hotel accomodation between myself, Captain Rich and General Chester in NY managed to get resolved. After weeks of fact finding to which hotel was best suited, decent price and easily located in the fine city of NY, I managed to find a nice one - priced at US$109 per night. So, all that was needed was for everyone to book the room at the same to ensure there was enough rooms. Of course, typical Wharton style, the General booked his on Friday without thinking about asking if he could do mine and Rich's at the same time. Needless to say, myself and Captain Haphazzard have now managed to reserve our rooms - c'est fantastique!

No news on insurance payout for the car - god damn it! Gonna give them a nice call tomorrow to chase them up, but been looking at the rather nice looking Fiesta Zetec S which isnt out til Jan 8th. Once again, I will be rallying around Leamington (hello john) like I used to in my Rover 25 and Ford Ka - lush

Woah, Pizza Dude

Its been about two weeks since I saw my top quality neighbours, and probably 3 or 4 since I indulged in beer fest with them. So I thought I would be a little sociable and a little bit if a cheapskate, so asked if they fancied going to Pizza Hut with some vouchers I won at the quiz months ago. So, of course, in true traditional style, two bottles of wine later, we're down the Jug and Jester drinking Stella. I blink and its closing time, but not before bumping into one of our other neighbours, the rather lovely, sexy & cute Jo.

We retire back to John and Debbie's for (well me, water - coz I could barely talk) drinks and singstar 2 - of which I end up loosing against someone singing Gold - arse.

I woke up, rolled out of bed and rolled down to the Well to watch Chelsea v Newcastle - Tom and Abbi joined me, and remotely assisting in Managerial Armchair strategy was Geordie Mike. Of course, we end up loosing 4-0 - which improved my mood *.

I wandered into town, to be surrounded by shoppers who just stop for no reason - this pissed me off, so popped into Fop and purchased "Who Killed the Zutons" - which by all accounts is a great album.

Tonight, we're going to the grand opening of the Lock Dock and Barrel (just over the road) - hopefully a short one tonight tho

Should have gone to King Baba's

Bit of a strange night lastnight. One of our insurance related customers was visiting work and the account manager was taking them out for entertainment. Although they had a couple of people to attend already, it was a case of getting techies to attend to make the numbers up. I was told;

• I wouldnt need to buy any beers or any food
• I had to behave myself and not call anyone a "shambles"
• Be polite, not use my typical geordie charm of swearing constantly
• Not to get too boozed up, as my drinking mate Captain Rich and I tend to lead each other astray.

So, Rich and I walk up into town to the Lounge to be faced with - "Put any drinks on tab 100 - thats 100". Myself and Rich just grinned from ear to ear with a licence to complete alcohol abuse, but still held back. Next thing I know ... I hear one of the other techies calling the customer a "shambles", of course this raised an internal giggle, but no - behaved myself. After 2 or 3 pints there, we went to the lovely Five Rivers (a posh curry place - "If I wanted a curry, I would go after 8 pints, expect dodgy wallpaper and pay 12 quid for 3 courses"). The table wasnt ready so we went to the lovely Jug and Jester. At this point Bob [ Rich's Team Leader ] (his dad was in hospital last week with a heart attack - so willing myself and Rich in with the details) decides to contantly talk, get boozed up and tell the lovely tale of how he went to ASDA and purchased a full outfit for 40 quid. Funny the first time ... after the 8th - no amount of Stella can help you.

Anyhoo, we ended up back at the Five Rivers, get some Moet down our necks, and order some food. It turns out (baring in mind I was sandwiched between the two customers) that Catherine doesnt like spicy food, so in Rich's wisdom hands her the plate of Spicy Starters - "You like kebab dont you? Surely you like kebab". I dont know why, but I found this funny (ok, maybe the amount of booze I had on an empty stomach) - so funny in fact I started crying with laughter. To which, the customers were a little concerned incase I was choking. Anyhoo, after some tiger beer and more moet, they all decide to go clubbing - myself and Rich were in a little bit of a state - so slipped off to the Well for a sly one, without really saying goodbye or thanks. Had a pint in the well to the point I could barely talk or stand and tried tapping up the lovely, sexy and cute Emma

Weekends ... They are for YOU!

People who are sober : Part 2

Captain Andy - aka The Wolf

A russian wolf, pictured centre

People who are sober : Part I

A photo of Princess Nomes .... when she was sober (and on-call)

A russian princess, pictured centre

CSI : Codename "Stop Spending"

After the London Town situation and pound night, it was good to be back in the usual place, usual time & usual people. So a little bemused when I rolled it at 10am because of the dodgy bus systems, my desk had been taken over by someone and my power pack for my laptop missing. After a cup of tea, I was feeling like I was on top of the world, until moments later, Captain Headworth decides pops up, looking like death warmed up. We met for some lunch later on to discuss the NY trip and where we were going to stay, and now if you cast your minds back to him taking the piss out of me at the football.

"So ill, cant eat food, tummy sore"

Much amusement. Anyhoo, turned up for football and carved the two teams up myself to make sure it was fair, needless to say, the big baby who moaned about me tackling was on my side - incase I accidently took his legs out again and having claims direct on my back. Managed to score one, hit the post 6 times, setup about 3 goals and we managed to win 5-3. Enjoyable really

I then get back to my gaff to find council tax demands etc etc - which has now been resolved. On top of this, I also have to pay the inland rev £2!!! On the plus side, the insurance people are going to settle with me over the stolen MG princess which was taken away from my arms and I wont have to supply the inland rev with anymore tax returns next year. Bonus!

Rich and Steve - both have beer Bellis

Part of both CSI and watching the mighty toon march on Europe, I invited captain rich down for a couple of beers and ITV2. Turns out that our Crazy Brummie friend, Captain Alan Bellis, was in town for a night out celebrating the hard work* he's done on a certain Scottish bank. It was arranged in the following way

• Steve & Rich drink themselves stupid at my gaff while Newcastle play
• 21:00 Captain Mentalish would get a taxi from Warwick to my gaff and join in the Stella-fest
• 21:45 Princess Nomes and Wolf Andy would pop around to my place and meet us
• We would all go down to the Well for CSI beers and have an early night

Needless to say, at 21:45 we couldnt get hold of Bellis, so we thought, bugger it, we'll all go get boozed up and he can find us. At some random point of the night, I see some Hobo struggle over the bridge then wiped my Stella glazed eyes and worked out it was Bellis. After convicing the bouncers that he wouldnt create any trouble we managed to get him in the pub - to which he necked 3 x Double Vodka & Cokes in 2 nanoseconds.

Anyhoo, Princess Nomes and Wolf Andy probably took the correct option by leaving at that point, we stayed (although I was drinking water) until no one could take anymore. We went via the Kebabital where Rich got his stable diet and Bellis got chips with mayo (not simon), claiming I wanted mayo although I physically hate the stuff. Apparently Bellis fell over into his chips and mayo, drank more, woke up in the morning and drove home, never to be seen by anyone again.

The streets are not paved with gold! Part 2 of 2

I get up in the morning looking like death warmed up to the cabin boy looking even worse than I did - looking for direction for the day, we call Alison to see what she wants us to do. As they were still restoring at this point, the account team didnt want us to leave London incase it went belly up. Right I thought, I'm going for a little wander, I've had my sunday wasted - so with personal cabin boy in company, we stroll along the Thames over Tower Bridge, to find a nice starbucks where we conduct private conf calls and supping tea. With still no direction from the account and my mood dipping already, I decide that I'm going to take the piss and prepare for another night in London village - so go shopping and find another starbucks for more tea. It was then announced that we would stay overnight again, and go to the Southbank office. I ask the cabin boy how long it would take to get to southbank "40 mins by foot, we could get a taxi, or get the tube" - I have a few experiences of the tube and still felt a tad dodgy so decided management stylee, that we would work. Luckily, the cabin boy "knows the way to Southbank so we dont need to worry" - 55 mins later we manage to find IBMs eBiz secret DR location - but no Southbank office after "its around here somewhere, I'm sure of it - maybe we should have turned right"

We get there and my mood is at an all time weekend low, do a couple of hours work, conduct a couple of conf calls and head back to the hotel. Go out for more booze and food and abuse the local cockney sparrows. Luckily I decide to bypass the hotel bar this time and retire to bed - just as well really as I receive a nice call from Alison at 08:30 Tuesday morning telling us we can go home. One conclusion from this shambles is that the cabin boy would suit living in London - mainly due to his shambolic driving and lane swapping every 30 seconds.

My attention span was at an all time low - so it was decided when I got back to Warwick, I was going home to bed early - only for Admiral Headworth to suggest we go for a sly pint as we aint had once since thursday night. Needless to say, we had a couple in the hogs head (with some food) and moved onto pound night, where things continued, the beer continued to flow and the students turned up. It got to such a bad stage where the students were then going home because they had too much. I dont know what time I left the pub, nor do I know what time I got in ... or what happened, although I must have replied to a text message from the lovely Student Jess (puurr)

The streets are not paved with gold! Part 1 of 2

Well, I dont know where to start really... I havent posted anything for a while because I've either done nowt at all (Zip as the americans call it) as part of my CSI project, or being stitched up a right good one. An overview is basically Friday night, did bugger all, but chilled, saturday done bugger all apart from listen to the footy on t'internet radio (mainly due to rain) and got boozed up while getting cozy. I decided that rather than a complete booze session with Admiral Rich, I would chill out, relax and entertain myself. I played GTA for a while as I havent played it for a couple of weeks, watched Old School while tucking into a nice bottle of wine, which turned into belgian beer. Anyhoo - at this point its 03:00 sunday morning, I can barely walk and I'm watching a BBCi doc on little britain.

At approx 07:30 I received a call from my team leader, Alison, asking if I could go down to London to work - of course, I was a little confused that why was I being asked to work on a sunday and why the hell had I only had 4 hours kip. I kind of suggested I had better things to do - like shop, the quiz, shopping and not going to London on my weekend time off. She said she would try getting something else arranged, but called about 20 mins when I was snoozing off again. So ... the story develops that one of our customers has invokes a DR (not a test, not a site being blown up by a bomb) to fix a few problems. So, I end up having to travel down with Cabin Boy Woods where we manage to check into a swanky hotel, park the car and make our way to the building where we are to be working. In parallel, two guys from liverpool are supposed to be coming down to fix their side of the issue - but are no where to be seen - being tired, annoyed and a little bemused - the answer was public house, sunday lunch and decent football. What I got was a room full of cheeky cockney sparrows, a crap "chicken" burger and Birmingham v Blackburn - so with my mood spiralling out of control, we wander back to the building to where the guys have turned up. After 50 mins of faffing around with equipment, we fix our side of the deal, and let the 2 scousers kick off a restore - to which I suggested going back to the hotel. All sounds a little dull, techie and dweebie at this point and it doesnt get much better - until I convinces the cabin boy to get sorted as we were going to paint the town red and risk getting paged out with things going tits up.

Well, the area we were staying in - was the finacial side of London - so Sunday night, not exactly great for talent - so bugger than, lets get my bad mood flooded with stella .... So after drinking nigh on 2 bottles of wine myself, 2 pints of carling, then 2 shots - I decided it was probably best if I retired for the night, but being unable to focus, I had to stay up for 2 hours to sober up enough to stop the room spinning.

10 pound more the richer

Well ... technically £11.50 richer. After the sham of the football, we were involved in the Sunday Night Quiz and having monday off, I wasnt really that fussed about how much I drank - Truth be told, I fancied a little bit of a session as I hadnt had one (apart from Thursday night's post work session of stella - mmm sweet Stella). Our old friends and team mates (General Knowledge Monkey and Sports Monkey) had returned for the weekend from Uni - so it was good to get the well oiled quiz machine working again.

Anyhoo, we started well, winning the first round, it started to get hazy for a while until we managed to win the jackpot - £69 between 6 of us ... fantastic - at least the students can eat this month.

Things got alittle hazy when Rich slid off as he had a 9.30am meeting with a customer - so I continued to drink with the students, who decided to slid off at some early hour - Students these days hey! they dont know the meaning of the word. The usual ended up happening, by staying after hours having a couple of pints. Points from the night that are starting to be recalled;

• Playing balloon football with Chris (getting covered with beer and water in the meantime)
• Waking up with to massive inflatable yellow hands
• Waking up wearing a blue tshirt with "moose" written on it
• Declaring I would be working at the Well on Monday night

Armchair Manager

After the sham of Car Stolen/Unable to get to Newcastle/Unable to hand the tickets over to Mike - I never imaged for one minute that the Newcastle Utd v Man Utd (scum) would be a walk in the park and, well, lets put it this way - aid my stress and mood. I left my lovely flat to wander down to the Well leaving the captain to walk down after fixing his tax fraud problems and sat in a very warm area of the pub, supping a nice pint of diet pepsi. Needless to say, being an avid armchair general I started ripping into the line up (three strikers, bellamy on the left and bowyer - just does not work - Fact!) and my mood diving after 6 minutes when Rooney (past toon target) scored and OK goal (ok, it was better than OK, but you cant say that). Shearer managed to pull us level after 70 odd minutes (by this time I was well on my way to drinking) with a lovely left footed chip. This is where things got a little to much for me - surrounded by man u fans - a pen was given to man u (at which point - the man u fans decide its safe enough for them to take their tops off to reveal their Man U strip). Needless to say, they won 3-1 - I reckon 1-1 was a fare result myself - as that would have given us one point.

After the game ... more Armchair Manager tactics were discussed via SMS with Captain Mike

Grass Roots Football

After a strange, exhausting week in many different ways and missing out on going to see the Might Toon v Scummy Small Club Manchester United - I thought it was probably best to do something with the weekend. I've tended to waste weekends by going into town, meeting up with the captain and getting boozed up and rolling home and falling into a Stella/Carling/Hoegaarden coma - never a good thing really.

Anyhoo, I thought, why dont we go see Leamington Brakes for a day out - Rich was around, sure enough he agreed. Knowing what football is like at a decent stadium such as St James Park I managed to take scarf, fleece and wooly hat to protect myself from mother nature. Met up with the captain for a swift one at the Wind Mill pub where the bus picks people up. Fantastic ... anyhow, by this time, the sun is starting to set and the wind is whipping up, so there is a little bit of a chill. Now, I used to work at ASDA in the Frozen food section (ie Industrial Size Freezers) and they never give you the correct uniform - ie Jumpers and Gloves - so I'm used to the constant cold (and the fact I lived in Newcastle for most of my life). By Half time, the Brakes were 2-0 up and myself and Rich were having to purchase hot drinks, just to keep our hands warm. The captain had to purchase a club scarf to keep warm when we turned up (and to inject a little cash into the club too I suspect)

Coming from a priv'd footballing background - I've always noticed that the ref and linesmen ( I know its not very PC - but its a man's sport) get alot of abuse from players. So it was refreshing to hear after a player got caught offside and was moaning to the linesman, the linesman replying "Shut up and get on with it". Myself and the captain chuckled a couple of times (Warning :- may have been 80 mins). At one point the opposition were moaning about an offside judgement to be incorrect - to which he replied "You played him onside you fool" - again we chuckled. I would have loved to have payed the linesman £3 quid extra for the comedy.

Anyhoo, after 90 mins (plus 10 mins stoppage time and the final score being 2-1 to the mighty Brakes) we managed to get the bus back to civilisation - well, the Well for a couple of swift ones before rugby no necks stole live prem plus and watched the tri-nations.

Upstanding member of the community and not a Hooligan (pictured centre)

If you have spare time - I would suggest going to see them ... good laugh and all to a good cause.

Pro's and Con's of Public Transport

I admit, its been an eye opener this week, not only have i had to work out how to get to work without car, but also ensure I have enough cash in my pockets to do so. I've also had to master the art, of getting a lift when I can, rather than standing at the bus stop in the cold, listening to chavs/pikeys/crazies talk. One of the good things on the bus server is they have a sign saying "Get fit, get off a stop early and walk". Great idea ... however;

• I pay £2.90 return - If I wanted to get off a stop earlier - I would pay less
• Its cold - that extra 3 mins of natural crazy/chav/pikey body heat around you is important
• Sometimes it takes 20 mins to fight for a seat - why give it up to a lazy.

Anyhoo, as I have today off, we decided lastnight to disembark a couple of stops earlier, and have a couple of pints to celebrate the "Rich and Steve cause Random in NY" tour. So, after 7 pints, we visit the kebabital where I'm told that it wasnt the finest Kebab the captain has ever tasted.

To conclude ... Buses can be good and bad (mostly at the same time)

5 portions of fruit and veg a day ? no just the Big Apple please

After a bad week at work and, well basically some twoc'ing bastard stealing my car, I decided to do something good to cheer myself up. I'd just had word from work that I could arrange my travel for the disaster recovery test in Washington DC in Jan. However, things are never really really that simple. The idea is that;

• After the DR test - myself and Mr Chester (and his wife) will travel from DC to NY
• Captain Rich will fly from UK to NY and meet me
• Spend a couple of days faffing around with yanks
• Fly back to UK

All sounds simple ... NO ... you wouldnt believe the shambles I had to deal with to coordinate flights etc. Anyhow ... after the captain was stuttering and pondering around over should he or shouldnt press the "confirm" button for the tickets. Needless to say, its all sorted - ish - with the added complexity of;

• Steve flys back to Heathrow
• Rich flys back to Birmingham via Dublin
• Both flights land within 30 mins of each other at different airports
• Rich still wants to go see the mighty Chesterfield 6 hours after jetting around the world.

Needless to say, Steve & Rich in leamington is just about bareable, Steve and Rich in New York, with loads of americas to take the piss out of .... ooh, so many people, so little time!

Bar Service

we ended up in the boozer on free ebiz food and drink. So after a day of "harmless" banter - all I needed was harsh piss take from car related jokes from friends and co-colleagues. After 6 beers, we decided to call it a day. Unfortunately my dream of someone picking up my car at an early hour, cleaning it, giving it a free MOT, filling the petrol up and cleaning up the mess, never actually happened and reality is about to kick in. I bought tickets to the Newcastle v Man U game at the weekend, and the only chance of meeting up with the lovely Philippa is;

• Hire a car
• get a train

both of which will encur costs to the unknown. I had also started to look forward to seeing my sister (Gillian) my mum and dad, and had actually planned a hell of alot of the time. I had taken 2 days off from work to do the trip coz I've felt bad about not seeing them since April and now its all gone to shit. To conclude;

• What ever happens, Newcastle v Man U will be the wrong result, if I go - we will loose, if I dont - we will host the game of the century
• Car theives are lower than the low - personally, should have as many car keys shoved up their arses until they cry like children
• Winlaton's pubs, will have to wait to be photographed until Xmas
• Although I respect Blair and the improvements he's making to the UK - how can someone have 3 crime numbers to the same car, within a 100metre radius, not have Pikes/Chavs/Twats protected against him
• Leamington is going down in my estimation and feel safer in Winlaton ( one of the hardest/roughest towns in the North East)
• Friends really become friends when the chips are down and you need cheering up
• Someone up there has decided that they will bloke any kind of semi attraction between me and Pippa
• The Kebabital is never your friend, no matter how many Stella's you have
• THE person you want and really really want to be with, always decides its just not cricket and puts a spanner into your perfect engine RE:book

Anyhoo, I have to get up early to grab a bus - to get in for 9am ...

PS :- anyhow seeing VX52 DHL on the streets and me not driving - you know who to call ( Hint : Not ghostbusters)

Bus Service

.... got on the 66. I know it sounds a little snobbish (and I mean snobbish coming from someone from Winlaton, and living in Leamington) but I have never ever had to get the bus into work... hence calling my bus-active friend - Rich. So, after having to pay £2.90 return for a 3 mile journey (baring in mind, in newcastle I paid 1.90 for return from the outskirks of gateshead into newcastle [ 5 mile ] and from Headingly to Horsforth [ 4 mile ] for 1.75) I was a little shocked. Only to be confronted by more shock tactics by the government - Chavs, Pikeys and strangely looking people on public transport. Much to the delight of the captain, I thought it was my duty as a tax payer, and as I'm paying;

• car insurance
• road tax
• random other get the environment healthy tax's

for the privvies of having to ride the bus and not having a say in the service.

Anyhoo, after the local jibs and jibes - we get to work to more jibs and jibes from colleagues basically saying :-

"Have you been to see a car show room", "wheres your car?" and "why get the bus into work when you can drive your car" blah blah blah... to which ....

Car Service

Many people laughed when prefab sprout were around, many people still laugh that I folked out 10 quid for the best of album, but I quote

"At the hands of life - stinkin' car thief, thats my concept of sin"

Needless to say, on an already bad morning trying / struggling to get out of bed, I walked up to the main pavement to find, and I wager - not many people have felt this confusion, my car missing. At first, I thought it was me, at second, I thought it was me then resorted to top quality neighbour Debbie to double check that I hadnt gone mad, and that the car was just not there. After minutes of poking at a spot were a 4x4 was now parked (no, i'm not david blaine and hadnt made a convertable into a 4x4) we decided;

• I'd either parked it else where, or
• it had been TWOC'd
• infact I was david blaine, and I could indeed, make a MG convertable into a 4x4 jeep

after ensuring I hadnt parked it 2 metres away, I decided to phone the police who;

• asked if i had parked it else where
• basically said it had been TWOC'd
• asked if I was david blaine, and I could indeed, make a MG convertable into a 4x4 jeep

After a motivational talk with the police, I decided to call comrad headworth for some support - who decided I was on a piss take and winding him up. After 20 minutes of convincing him other wise we ....

Sunday Service

After a fully deserved all day session on the Saturday, I decided it would be nice to just chill on a Sunday night and refresh myself for the working week. However, things didnt go to plan as Comrad Headworth asked if I fancied a couple of sly beers. I made it perfectly clear, that I would only have a couple as I was due to Team Lead monday with Alison being out (made that mistake on friday and felt like crud). So I agree to meet up with Headders and we walk down to the Jug for a sly pint, then over to the Well to catch the tale end of the Quiz (where we helped out normal quiz team a tad). Rich had some Stella Tokens (collect 4 - get a lovely Stella glass), so after 3 pints of Stella there and watch the ever depressing Newcastle 1 - Fulham 4 match which I'd listened to earlier on the radio and got post match depression. We then visit the infamous Kebabital for more shambolic cheap labour antics where I had chips in pitta bread.

Anyhoo, wandered into work at 9am for a funky management call, to lots of "Newcastle are rubbish", "Haway the lads" and "alreet pet" comments from so called profressional management which set the scene for the rest of the day. Not happy with listening to my beloved team loose to a second rate second division team, I then managed to get Newcastle -v- Man Utd tickets for me and the lovely Philippa, next weekend.

Things on the Canal

Ducks (as per normal) and Traffic Cone

Lounge to Lounge in 12 hours 22 minutes

After thursday nights beer session, and feeling extremely ropey all day friday, it was decided that the weekend would be another chilled out one. John and Debbie were kind enough to ask me to the Lounge for lunch with Laura and her two drunking friends. Its been a while since I've ate in the Lounge - mainly because 2 years ago, it changed hands and the food went down hill. After the refurbish, I thought why not give it another gan. So we did - 13:00 - Pint of Guiness - lush - it felt smooth and like funny tasting ice cream.

I did feel like a little bit of a session, but tried to keep the calm - mainly because John and Debbie together tends to lead me astray - such a shy lad that I am. While we were in the lounge, I noticed one of the lasses who plays football with us on Wednesday - she's lush ... but was eating with a friend, so decided to leave it (and being shy)

After the Lounge and lack of TV for Saturday football, I suggested going to the Hogs Head. We chitchatted, then moved to the Star and Garter, to which we went to Macy's then onto the Sozzled Sausage. Finally onto the bowling green for more beverages. When we get there, there was a fantastic looking lass, someone who is completely out of my league (you know when you wont even get a look in). I've noticed her around ages ago and developed a massive crush. Turns out, the injustice of sexy birds took effect, Nice lass + Meat head = relationship - nevermind hey?!?

Anyhoo, John and Debbie were kind enough to go get Kebab's and Chips for us, and Chang beer. Now, I remember getting a couple of text's from the lovely Jess, but cant remember replying - one of them things, but apparently I did. So we play some dodgy Donkey Kong Konga on my Gamecube, watch the Simpsons that John had recorded from Friday night. To which point, things get a little fuzzy - Ive started to remember (thanks mainly to Debbie reminding me)

• I declared myself as President of the Canal House (declaring John as vice-president and Debbie head of entertainment)
• Loosing my trainers and finding them at the top of a step ladder
• having my crotch hoovered
• and having the use of my legs taken away due to alcohol abuse.

So I wake up on Sunday morning, assuming I'm going to feel like toss, as per Friday - strangely enough, feeling pretty OK - reports are that so do John and Debbie.

BYE THEN Toby!!!!

Our friend Toby decided that he's gonna take 6 months off from IBM and travel around South America. Not content with just leaving us all in misery, he decided he wanted a beer session night named after the event too. Selfish I tell you! Newcastle were playing Tbilisi on ITV2 - so as part of my CSI'ing - I got some cans in and watched that - hooking up with good friends later on in the hogs head. After moving on to the Star and Garter, some of us decided the only way was up with our friends at the Well. After getting in, Toby enters some random drunken state after a pint and can barely stand. Rich (also boozed off his tits) decides that it would be amusing to slap a J20 sticker on Toby's head ( see below )

Toby, pictured centre with J20 sticker - pictured slightly left

Anyhoo ... the night gets a little stranger by the minute, and people decide they are gonna bugger off home (01:05), yet, I, with still half a pint left, decide to stay. I ended up talking to bar staff and regulars while slightly supping my pint. I even had the bollocks to ask a lass out for a drink, but she was to pissed to arrange owt - typical - so let that go. Moment of pure magic, I ask Andy if I can buy a Stella to wash down the Carling - to which gives me a free bottle. Fantastic - pure CSI'ing it, or what. Needless to say, I've had about 3 hours kip, I had to attend a management meeting at 09:00 this morning, then feel like shit all day. Its now 18:30 and still feel dodgy as a kebabital meal.

Good Luck Tobs!

strike it lucky

I've had a bad week - emotionally - dont know why - but monday morning, I should have stayed in bed. Its one of those weeks when you know its gonna be twat on a stick and from the moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was going to be. It was probably stella-fest from the night before, but it was crud - pure crud.

It gets to Wednesday, I'm still feeling a little shitty, low in confidence etc etc - and time for football - one of the highlights of my week. Over the last 6 months, ive taken alot of stress on at work, and its shown in my performance on the pitch and I expected a repeat performance tonight to be truthful.

Anyhoo, turns out I scored three, set up many and played decently well all game and we won. Thats 7 in two weeks, which is good going - esp being labelled "fucking shite at football", by some doncaster student at work. Suprised really, watching doncaster play week in, week out - you would have thought it would be entertaining watching some unfit idiots run around a pitch - oh, we're talking doncaster again.

Summary of the week so far.

Well, nothing much has happened, so thought I would manage to scramble nigh on 3 days into one blog.
Monday.
Worked, struggled to get out of bed after the Stella from the night before. After the post-bolton-v-newcastle-match, I got a text message from one of my dearest and oldest friends Pippa. She lives in Newcastle, I've been mates with her since the 2nd year at comp (no i didnt wear shorts and a cap), she's a lovely lass and my mother has her heart set on me and Pippa getting it together. Although being a very close friend, she is very attractive, albeit, having two cats and smelling of cat wee. Anyhoo - after Newcastle could barely get out of our own half, Pip asked if we could get tickets to Newcastle -v- Man U - so god knows what kind of thrashing we'll get. So I thought I would make a long weekend of it, arrange to meet friends and family etc.

Tuesday.
Struggling to get more than 10,000 steps with my Walker's walk-o-meter - so much so, I spent 10 mins jogging on the spot to get 5,000 steps. Also involves in a dragging day which resulted in me going home, getting ear ache from my mother about not going up over the weekend and watching Teachers (on Channel 4).

Trying to work out what I can do for Xmas and New Year - managed to get some kind of schedule in place
Week before Xmas = Travel to Newcastle
Xmas in Newcastle & Faff around
New Year = In Leam - Next door for fancy dress party - theme yet to be decided, although Kids Film and TV characters seems to be a semi fav. If so, I'm going as Jamie from Jamie and his Magic Torch.
Then 5th Jan = Fly out to Washington (DC - not Tyne and Wear), working out there for 5 days

Wednesday.
Football day, and I'm also struggling to get towards 10,000 steps today - and I class myself as a semi healthy guys (minus the chips, stella and lack of exercise) - I am very tempted to wear my walk-o-meter tonight to see how many steps I do during football. Probably not many as I hand around on the right wing and wait for the ball to be punted at me. Current step level = 1733

A Mess and a Shambles

Rich was kind enough to invite me around to his gaff yesterday for a CSI related football, beer and relaxing sunday afternoon. I didnt really fancy the quiz, nor after spending most of saturday in the well, watching the game down the pub. So in fact it was very lucky the way many events turned out. I thought I would pay my way by getting some cans of Stella in to thank Rich for putting up with my abusive bad language for 2 hours while Newcastle struggled to get out of their own Penalty box. It turns out that Rich had also gone a purchasing Stella and we filled his fridge, getting to the extent where he had to remove all the healthy fruit and veg to get the cans in *****

Anyhoo, to cap off my great mood, Newcastle lost 2-1 to the 2 bob team called Bolton - scrappy game and we deserved at least 1 point out of it. As the Stella flowed, Rich shows me his Xbox and we played Outrun2. I've never played it, boozed up on Stella and in a bad mood - I managed to equal Rich's best performance, and beating his best time on one of the timetrials - which improved his mood. After sinking alot of Stella, I started to get the munchies, so it was decided Pizza is a good option - which it was.

To conclude;

• I achieved 6611 steps
• Newcastle are a fab team, bolton are cheating scum
• 6 stella's is not a quiet night
• 10 quid of Stella and a Pizza isnt CSI
• Rich is very bad at videogames.

***** Warning - no fruit and veg were in there.

Facts of the day :-

• 4942 steps achieved today with my Walker's Walk-o-meter
• The Hollywood version of "Planet of the Apes" is wank
• The kebabital doesnt have lovely nurses in sexy uniforms
• Grown men in nurses uniforms - not attractive - Halloween or not
• "a couple of beers" with Rich, isnt a couple of beers
• coming home to a rave, after an all day session, isnt the best thing in the world!

"Just a quiet couple"

Well, after playing GTA lastnight, I decided to sleep in a little today - mainly due to a Stelle induced coma, but got up around lunchtime. I thought to myself, have a couple of cups of tea in starbucks, chinwag with my old gentleman's club chum Rich and a compete in some shopping around town, before getting home to watch Sky Sports News Centre.

Anyhoo, it appears that Rich had a skin full, and attended the Kebabital before being sick and get a reply from my voice mail I left him, strangely enough asking if I wanted to go for a quick beverage, "Just a quiet couple, not stopping all afternoon, got chops in my bag and dont want them to go off". So, after a Hoegaarden, Guiness (x7) & Carling - taking part in Palace v Brum, Watching ALL of Saturdays normal fixtures, Blackburn v Liverpool - AND the fact that we were taking part in conversation with Robin's Well's resident Simpleton - it was time to go home.

Not before time, Rich enters the Kebabital - Ironic

Walk on by!

Life is so peachy, not only is it Friday, officially the weekend and GTA is available - The following device turned up in the post. Walkers walk-0-meter - which tracks how many steps you make, and up til now, im 387 - and thats just going to somerfield - how great is that. I've decided, boring although it maybe, to track how many steps I've taken

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid and Steve

Lastnight was only intended as a quiet night out, a couple of drinks with people at a leaving do for a guy I know to say hello too. Anyhoo, it was supposed to be quiet - it wasnt - well it was, and wasnt. John and Debbie kindly invited me out for a couple of beers before we met up with the rest, was nice, had a good chat. We then managed to "hook up" (damn yanks) with the rest in cuba, at which point we were told that we were going to my local haunt (The Well). We get there, and I decided for the night, I would wear my nice new funky jumper (getting a little cold - keep the chill of my chest - AND - look fashionble. Turns out, this isnt enough for the gits of IBM and Leamington Spa, they need to rip the piss. Some gimp decided that tonight was his night to try to be funny, and make embarressing comments in front of friends. I just couldnt be arsed to bitch back, so left it. HINT : Comments like, "Noel Edmonds would love a jumper like that" and "Where is mr blobby, your friend?" dont improve my mood.

We turn up to the well and they have live (Stupid, Stupid, Stupid and Steve) music on, it was quite touching, although being punk/rock stuff, they had a minute silence for ace, but dead, John Peel. To get into this section of the pub, you had to pay £1.50 - although not having any change, it was decided by one of the guys on the door, I could go in for free - only if I complete one of his dares. Turns out, this dare is to have a rubber stamp covered in ink, imprinted on my forehead. All good and well, perfect CSI, until I remembered a) Ink dries pretty quickly b) I had to be at work for meetings and c) getting as near to blind drunk doesnt help you remember its on your forehead.

Other fantastic parts of the night;

• Rich telling the lovely Helen that he beat me in a pool game, winning 70 quid from me
• Rich telling the lovely Helen that he was a regional pool champion (of Headworthshire)
• Rich telling the lovely Helen the Kebabital story - very very incorrectly
• Steve and Rich getting the fuzzy face gimp ID'd - just coz he was tapping off with the lovely Helen
• Winding up Vicky up about Jesus and God (being dead) and nearly making her cry (due to her laughing)

Steve - maybe not so shy

I've decided after hanging around, being shy, regretting a few things - that maybe its time to do something about females that I like. There have been plenty of times I've sat back, thought about it too much and spent weeks just regretting what could have been, if only I had opened my blushing mouth, even if it results in a knock back. I have done this once already this year, once - and yet I had the greatest 2 weeks of my life down in my second home. However, due to a few cack handed decisions in my world, my confidence was a little bit low.

Anyhoo, there is this attractive lass who turns up to football, seems pretty canny, and I thought she seems nice, so will do some digging around. Unfortunately my sources conclude that she's seeing someone - twat on a stick!

Nevermind, starting to get braver!

All Hail - The Toon

Although I have a massive passion for Newcastle United FC, I was determined not to turn this blog from Steve's Random Life, into a NUFC Fan page. However after passing into the next round of the Carling Cup (unlike Man City) and having a good game of football myself, I was over joyed with glee at the result (2-1 against Norwich).

Conclusion;

Delia Smith - might make a mean roast - but your team is cack in the Carling Cup

Will the real Steve Wharton - Please stand up! (Part 3)

Sorry for not bringing the Sunday update for "the real Steve Wharton" but here you go ...World, I give you Steve Wharton. Appears that he's some kind of Principal

(Steve Wharton, pictured centre - Nice Jumper, pictured bottom)

Rooney, sit down you fat waster.

In the magical mystical world of Wharton, it doesnt rain ... it pours. I've had a couple of days off from work and, well, it hasnt been to relaxing, hasnt been to stressful. I could have slept more, I could have done more exercise. I got to work relaxed, done some nice fixing things, which makes me smile, then fixed myself ready for football. (As per Mike's blog entry about nurses - this is certainly true, and she wasnt in any kind of uniform. Maybe I needed a little more beer from the night before. Anyhoo, she suggested I used some bandage around my foot to protect my foot.) Turned up at the pitch and the wind was whipping up slighly, and wasnt too much of a motivator running around in that. Anyhoo, turns out I had a complete blinder, our team (which was full of, well not very pacey players) appeared to gel together pretty well compared to the other team (which was full of pacy players). Not sure if the bandage give my foot and leg (and mind) more energy and pace, but had enough energy that I managed to score 4! Fantastic!!

World Record ?

Apparently, 15, is a world record for pint pulling in the Well - however, I'm sure I've pulled more in previous Quiz Sessions.

.

Beer (pictured all over the gaff)

They seek him beer, they seek him there!

Well, last week, I decided to give the quiz a miss, to CSI, and to keep my sanity from the Leamington Goldfish bowl. I invited down John and Debbie and Rich was supposed to be attending later on (which he didnt). Due to lack of numbers, I invited Neil who works behind the bar to join us. Then one of the activists decided to invite half of Zambia into our Team. We were going OK - keeping 2nd all the way through, and we thought we would nick it. Then, prize of all prizes - the sports round - "Minute behind the bar to pour as many drinks as you can". We came joint first and the tie breaker was to eat as many cream crackers as you can. John has done this before and won, so we suggested he done it - not taking into account his cold and his inability to hold his breath for more than 1 nano second. Anyhoo, John was doing well, until he started going pale, retching and looking like he's about to puke - but rescued himself. We ended up loosing once John decided enough was enough and his mouth started to bleed. Andy (top bloke) thought it would be fitting to award both teams with a minute behind the bar
Now, I've done this a couple of times and know how to wing it, but Neil was insistant on him going up, though Andy (manager of the Well) stopped him and allowed me to go up. After bending a couple of the rules, like;

• Having more than a minute
• The Bar dude (chris) helping me pour pints
• People at the bar helping me to pour pints

So we ended up with 15 pints of random drinks, and comments from Andy like, "You'll never drink in this pub again" etc etc

We continued to drink and drink and drink, until we ran out of the beer - and purchased more.

Where were you when you were shit? (You were next door)

Newcastle United played Man City yesterday in a typically exciting manner - at half time - we were drewing 0-0, with Man City basically not being anywhere in the game. Earlier, a bit of banter between myself and the neighbour, also known as Debbie took place. I'm a typical geordie, grew up a long stones throw from St James, so know when to keep my gob shut. However Debbie was suggesting that Man City were gonna win 7-0. I was kind enough to give her access to Metro Radio's live streaming of the game, knowing that it wasnt on Sky or BBC Radio. However, all she could do is moan about how the radio program was bias - imagine that hey, a geordie radio station, being presented by ex-newcastle players, at a home game.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short, the 2nd half was thrilling, exciting and everything you would expect from the entertainers. We won 4-3, scoring the winner in the last 60 seconds of injury time. To conclude - Newcastle were brill, Man City were relegation dog fodder.

To conclude this, John became one with the geordie nation by playing Hovercraft-Wars on the canal - I won!

Updated, thanks to Pickford being picky

Guilty as charged!

I've been accused of many things in my life. Pouring water on my sisters frogger game when I was young, not paying attention in class at school, drinking alcohol at 14 and being a little shy with the opposite sex. However its all starting to come to a head - this week alone I have been accused off;

• Breaking the largest Oracle database in the world - belonging to o2
• Breaking a friends arm/hand/wrist (wrist is what he broke) while playing football
• Breaking IBM's Ebusiness Division
• Leading next door astray

This is all starting to get a little tiring ... I mean point one - wasnt my fault, people shouldnt design systems so big. Point 2 - I was at the opposite end of the pitch - about to score a goal when it happened. Point three - OK ... not my fault - but I'll take the wrap for it. Finally point 4, let me allow you into a little secret. John and Debbie like to have a little drink, John and Debbie like to have a large drink and finally John and Debbie would drink until the cows come home. Poor John has been feeling really ill lately (well - a gay sniffle) - so I thought Friday, I'm off Monday and Tuesday - they are both off next week - so why not enjoy a sociable drink - why not, its their second fav hobbie (their 1st is stamp collecting). So suggested after work beers - little something to eat, chitchat, and allow me to take in the local talent. Needless to say, if anyone egg'd on anyone, it was Debbie from next door, forcing me to drink far to much, make MSN faces in pubs and force me to ask for drinks at a reduced rate. To conclude, if Debbie wants to accuse me of asking them out to be friendly - THEN GUILTY!!!! However, there are always two sides to a story, mine being the innocent one - then she needs to be locked up in a beer cell and the key thrown away.

I dont think it helped matters when John was begging me to not take them out for beer tonight, because he couldnt take anymore

One Letter - its only the start of it!

Randomly searching the Internet for trash - trying to avoid chav style crap - and came across the following blog - do you know anyone that needs something fixing ? If so - get them to email in. Handy and Free ... Just remember, you might get more than you bargained for!

So true...

Recieved a top quality present from my lovely neighbours - a pin badge to go with "Go Blonde"

A badge, today - pictured middle

Why?

http://chrismoyles.net/mw/mls/watch.shtml

two nights without drinking anything *

* Warning :- Beer was included.

In true big brother style,

Day 1. Newcastle United (the greatest football team in the World - just ask Mike) were playing some two bob greek team away from home - so wonderful idea of getting Stella in, invite Rich around - enjoy the game and then potentially pop down to our local public house for last orders. Well, infact, I bought quite alot of booze in, and I think it was a mental challenge that we had to ensure it was all finished - just incase it went off. Anyhooo, Newcastle beat the Greek side 1-0 - Shearer scoring a lovely penalty. Once that was completed, we decided to be sad, and play PS2 game - Gauntlet Dark Legacy - was fun - we blinked and it was 00:45.

Day 2.

After a long bad week of breaking things - namely the company, Gav's wrist and my sanity, I thought what could be better - than a couple of drinks after work with my fab neighbours, John and Debbie. So give John a lift home (mainly coz he's being gay about a small cold he has) get changed and knock on their door. Off to TJs for cocktails at 5pm - always a bad sign to the night (although I did see a foxy lass who turns up and plays football), we then moved onto the Jug where Laura gay'd on about how hungry she was - then John decided to gay up with Laura and push me and Debbie into having a Curry and Millenium-mie. Managed to squeeze a couple of swift ones in the Well - being told by some crazy that I'm drunk when in fact this mentalist ( **** [ Edited due to legal action from Rich ] is what Rich likes to call them) who is bouncing of the 4 walls in the pub.
Anyhoo ... we bumped into a sexy lass who studies in Leeds (who is down this weekend), made our excuses and went to the Avenue - which I've never been too before - had a couple of swifty ones there. Then it went all to shit - I tried - I really did try. John and Debbie invited me in for some lovely malt whiskey. After the second glass, the room was spinning and my throat was hotter than a hotair balloon - in Hell. We listened to some dodgy version of "our tune" on vinyl which confused me a tad, so thought it best to go home and fall into a Carling/Whiskey induced coma.

Normal Service Resumes ... almost

Wednesday nights are my 5aside football night - last week got cancelled due to the England International (something the UEFA will be receiving a letter of complaint about). I was kind enough to suggest to social friends Mike and Gav that if they fancied getting fit and fancied a game of footie - they were more than welcome to turn up. So Rocky style, we warmed up on the darkest, dampest day of this year. We select teams, and kick off - what a better way to start a game - me scoring the first goal of the game. Great I thought, this is going somewhere.

Needless to say, this was short lived when Gav went down in a heap on the ground clutching his arm. After inspection by every "arm chair doctor" on the pitch, it was decided he'd broken his wrist and would have to be taken to A&E. During this "arm chair surgery" Gav was then hit accidently by three footballs which made me laugh when he told me later on that night. Anyhoo, Gav got carted off in the Ambulance and Mike kindly went with him, leaving the rest of us concerned, but not concerned enough to continue football. At which point, the opposition team decided to step up a gear, and we lost (although I did score a 2nd for the night)

After football, I thought I should go check on Gav as I knew he and Mike had left their cars at the football gaff and thought I could help out. So kitted in shorts, long sleave football shirt and football boots walked into A&E at Warwick Hospital greated by many bemused looks. Got sent in different directions then managed to find Gav on a top quality trolly. He was about to go for an Xray, and told to go sit with Mike. After amusing stories of life up north, the gentlemans clubs and how newcastle united are going to win zillions of trophies this season, Gav gets back.

15 mins later - a nurse comes in, says yup - you've broken it (see, "arm chair doctors" does work) shows us the Xray, starts laughing and walks out. Five mins later, another nurse comes in, shows us the Xray, starts laughing and walks out. Anyhoo, at which point myself and Mike sort out the cars and drop poor Gavs night stuff over as apparently he has to have his arm frozen and pulled back into position - Lush.

Still, I scored two goals!

Earth to Common People

Well worth a scan - for humour alone ... Listen to "Common People" - fantastic

Signs that are true (Part 1)

its true!

Comrad Headworth!

Welcome back!

A Russia Monkey (middle) - as seen today

Will the real Steve Wharton - Please stand up! (Part 2)

Sunday brings ... Another Steve Wharton ... This time, a Banjo playing Steve Wharton - Comedy you cant really buy. If you want to learn more about the fake Steve Wharton and his Banjo fetish - you can see here. Information about his band here

I am a music man, I come from far away! I play the bea-bea-bea-anjo!

A home from home

During our trip into North East Leamington, it brought me back to what I'm used to in the pubs in Winlaton

A toilet sign, yesterday

101 things to do with a sprout

Mooched around town feeling a little sluggish this morning, been after a CD for a couple of months after hearing a "trial version" from T'internet. Although not very CSI :-

• 101 Things to Do Before you Die - Richard Home
• The Best of Prefab Sprout - Prefab Sprout

Both, you'll agree, fantastic purchases.

John's SuperDooper Beer Supreme Birthday Bash

Once again, in the World of Canal House Holdings ... Nothing appears to be normal. John decided that for his birthday, we would attend the public houses of the north east of Leamington Spa. Fab I thought - but also very scary. John and Debbie gave me around 15 mins to get out of bed, showered and changed before we wandered up into Town for Top Quality All you can Eat Chinese for £5.99 (1pm). Many people were greedy, and must have eyes bigger than their Bellies (Garry must have HUGE eyes). From there we ventured into the toy shop - and played with random noisy things (John bought a Sheriff's badge) We then went to Chico's (Ayae Ayae Ayae) for some dodgy Tequila style drink, then moved onto the magical mystical world of NE pubs of Leamington. More and more people attended as we moved around. World record attempts were made, some failed, some went well, some almost ended in scary death moments. We ended up in the Cask (one of my old haunts) and watched Chelsea loose to Man City. At this point, Debbie decides she's going to convert me and Gav to turn gay and become gay lovers. This isnt going to happen - Gav - Nice bloke - just a bloke and I aint gay. After this, it was suggested that we were gonna give Debbie a Roast

(a roast, today - pictured centre)

She downed two x blue WKD in approx 7 seconds in total ... then got a little sick - she then got offended at the roast - I think it looks nice and tasty.

Anyhoo, we marched on into town, had a couple more pints, then people sifted off. I was going to go to Sugar, however started feeling a little yuk (Gay and Queer by others) so mooched off home (11:34). Recieved random text messages from John and Debbie through out the night reminding me of what I'm missing.

Time Check : 15:01 - John in Bed, Steve about to go watch Charlton - v - Newcastle.

You know when its a bad night when ...

...this happens in the morning! Taken post "quiet night" with John & Debbie after Pizza Express and Pint in Town

Ah Remember When ?

I bought the Goonies a couple of weeks ago, and only just got around to watching the film tonight - Fantastic, takes me back to when I was at school and being young. Top quality quote which made me laugh when I read it a couple of months back and when the DVD was showing;

Bad Dude: Tell us everything! Everything!

Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Strange but true .. made me laugh - maybe you need to watch the film!

Kids - Hey!

I thought life was supposed to be simple when you're a kid - well it was when I was young. How thinks have changed! For example, I decided to throw back to my youth and have something different to eat - so decided on Fish Fingers, Chips and Beans - Simple you may think ... Wrong - Wrong - Wrong. Trying to get a top quality photo of fish fingers for my MSN photo - came across the following;

http://www.birdseye.co.uk/products/listRecipes.asp?category=fish&type=thecaptainsrange

Five, yes, Five different kinds of fish fingers!! Im my day, it was breaded or battered - now the choices are endless!

You're Conkers!

As promised - pfh has placed his conker championship ONLINE. The photos can be found here - and I stole his photo of me becoming the Master of the Conker-verse!! Sure he wont mind. Feck knows how I won - look a little worse for wear after umpteen Guinesses

Steve - all northern

In a northern mode - after meeting Mike last week ( and being stressed to fuck at work ) - been thinking about home a little too much - so here you are - my "home"

Store Street :

http://www.multimap.com/map/browse.cgi?lat=54.9549&lon=-1.7222&scale=5000&icon=x

For those who are stalking me ... (very few) my family dont live there anymore

When will I be famous ... ?

....Never!

Stevos (Pictured Left) A real lady killer when I was young - What went wrong ?!?

It's a Northern thing - Deal with it (part 1)

Blaydon Races - Top quality northern tune - you'll hear it at newcastle united games ;

http://www.nufc.com/html/blaydon-races.html

(and Man U games - although they'll change the words - dirty mancs
Oh, me lads,
You should have seen us coming,
Fastest team in the League,
Just to see us winning,
All the lads and lasses,
With smiles upon their faces,
Walking down the Warwick Road,
To see Matt Busby's aces.

- Ironic - Pick a song from 100 miles away, twist it and force it for their own - TWATS)

Become northern - its great!

Around the pubs in 80 days

Another top quality text-photo from Rich - A Pub with a View II - Russian Edition
Note :- Lack of whores

Happy Birthday

Many Happy returns to the following people;

1. My Mum (13th)
2. John H - Next door neighbour (Today)

Hip Hip Horray!

Will the real Steve Wharton - Please stand up!

Strangely enough, I'm not the only Steve Wharton in the Universe (although I at Master of the Conker-verse). So as a weekly appriciation to all the Steve Whartons in the world - I present - Dr Steve Wharton (Photograph copyright (c) Dr Diego Saglia, 2001)

If other Steve Wharton's would like to email me ... you're more than welcome too ... Lets have a huddle! If you are a Steve Wharton, and know others, or if you know a Steve Wharton that hasnt been documented ... feel free to contact me, or them ... in order to bring the world to rights

Scream if you want to go faster!

Following allegations that Prince Harry cheated in an exam - T'internet Investigations (Warning - T'internet Investigations are not liable against King, Queen, Prince and Crown) can reveal the art work Prince Harry submitted for his exam

Trust Headworth

Trust Rich to get to the Red Light district in Red Square - previous to the excellent news about fuzzy hats - I recieved a text message "You want to lay with beautiful russian lady?" The picture isnt that clear ... so not sure if thats Rich, or some Russian Hooker (not TJ Hooker)

Best thing - in the world - ever!

Catching up with the Chronicles of Headworth in the eastern block. I recieved a text message saying "Comrade, we have furry hats" - never will my head be so cold again, and nor will MI5 hire me!

Kids :: Why should they have fun ?

The graphic images (Pictured below and in the blog entry before this) shows why the European Court for Human Rights got it spot on. Basically suggesting that Conkers (tm) should be banned from children, if they dont wear the correct head gear. I know why this is a good approach by the bigwigs on mainland Europe, mainly because in my quest to become Master of the Conker-verse, I was violenting attacked by one of this bastards - right in the eye! If a 29 year old lad cannot protect himself, what chance does a 12 year old have ?

I say, ban conkers;

1. to protect my masters of the conker-verse title
2. to solve thousands of kids being deformed by such a weapon

If you want to read more about what is being done to protect the youth of today ... you can read on here (and keep them away from Super Gary B)



* Warning - no children were harmed in the making of this blog entry

Kids :: Why should they have fun ? (part ii)

Strange but true - protect your children (and 29 year old drunken lads) - keep conkers out of their way



A child yesterday - cumbria - "Wow, big conker"

Steves 9er!

As the title suggests, it was announced that my Conker - was a 9er - no idea how that came around - seems as it played only 4 people - however rather than being embarresed by some spotty 12 year old in the park. It was decided I should launch it over the pub wall with a golf putter.

Masters of the Conker-verse!

Once again, another random day in the world of Wharton. Got out of bed around 12:00 ish, had breakie as any normal person would. Read Newspapers online as part of CSI ... then John & Debbie came to take me down to the Townhouse - of which Ive never been there before. Anyhoo, upon drinking vast amounts of alcohol while watching England v Wales (tin pot sunday league team) PFH declares that he as conkers. Conkers you say! Yes Conkers. Now, I remember very little about my childhood, I remember collecting Conkers with my sis and Dad all those years ago, but never ever remember playing Conkers (tm) in the playground. Anyhoo, We move towards the bowling green, another place ive ventured upon - to which its decided that we will play Conker Cup. Thankfully, Gav had to go to a wedding, thus giving me the opportunity to defaultly go into the next round. Of which, I managed to win the Cup - THEN!!! go on to defeat Debbie in the Masters (feck knows how she got there - she was a shambles with conkers)

Anyhow, to conclude, I am Masters of the Conkers. From there it went down hill, we ended up in Pig and Whistle (?), then Millenium Balti - then Jug for final Beers.

Total Drinkinking time = 9.5 hours (one Major Conker Championship)