Wednesday, September 29, 2004

He Shoots, He Scores - Misses Plenty others

What can I say ... the goal drought had to come to an end at last. A sweet right foot around the goal keeper. However, I would also like to point out, I missed 2 x complete sitters - still need that confidence back.

Although, my toe injury is getting worse. I think I might have broken my toe a couple of months ago - well 12 weeks ago now and being stubborn, decided to do bugger all about it. Needless to say, being pushed over when I'm defending, someone kicking my foot/toe didnt impress my humour.

Toe photo to follow...

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Soul Glow

As referenced in the following blog entry - I now, unlike many blokes can (with the exception of lady boys/cross dressers etc)
  • flutter my eye lashes to get free drinks
  • get away without paying at night club doors
  • ask people to put shelving up
  • moan I dont have enough pairs of shoes

So, all in all, a good 3p spent I would say

Soul to Soul

In reply to Debbie's blog here the 3p was posted at 8.58 this morning and legally binding it was, the Soul is actually belonging to Debbie - and not some Pikey kids she stole from.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Lemon Soul

Well ... complete bargain - as per the MSN convo below ... I have just purchased Debbie's soul for 3 English New Pence! ;

Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
i might sell my soul
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
buy your soul for 8p
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
ummm its probably not worth that
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
don't want to rip off a neighbour
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
3p ?
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
ok then
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
deal ?
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
is it legally binding?
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
umm yes
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
ok then
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
i'll drop the money off in the morning
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
i feel soulless
Debbie [note to self - do not drink until 1am on Sunday] says:
can you afford the 3p?
Designed to satisfy your soul says:
umm yeah

CSI opportunity - Soul sharing, profit - sell 2nd soul on ebay for profit!

CSIs - the list continues

After discussing random Cost Saving Iniatives (CSI) at the gentleman's club - its been decided to document it on this web site for all to take on board - which in itself is a CSI for you, as you dont have to waste time reinventing the wheel.
  • Go to work naked - no need to dirty clothes - saves on water & washing powder & electricity
  • Grow a beard - keeps face warm - cuts down on heating - and traps food for later
  • Send bills back to BT without Cheques in them - buys you time util you get paid
  • Trap water in pint glasses when having a shower - then you can reuse for drinking/rising after toothbrushing
  • Kill the swans on the canal, sell the meat as "chicken" and their feathers to pillow companies
  • Dont go to work ... save on petrol, spending money in the canteen and cups of tea
  • Dont have friends - never need to go out again, buy a round at the pub or birthday presents.
  • Take up smoking - investment makes profit - smoke = no need to eat food = slimming quickly = no big food shopping bills

Anymore items email to

(S)he who casts the first stone ...

Once again, it appears, that I am to blame for another random night out. I'm not trying to suggest for one moment that I am completely blameless. Its been a long and frustrating weekend, trying to cut costs here, there and everywhere - so decided at the first opportunity I had to get money into my pocket, to invite John and Debbie - as they are short of cash too. Apparently I "promised in a court of law" that they would win the quiz (Cash Prize was 78 quid) and when we failed to win - was called worse than mud - well Stefan anyhow.

Upon loosing, this is where it becomes a mystry -I think I retired to the gentleman's club for a brandy and to discuss the pro's and con's of fox hunting - however research found that;
  • I abused the dorkiest bloke in the world by threatening to break his legs if he didnt leave us alone (harsh but true)
  • I was climbing on a conservatory roof at 00:45 to retrieve a CD that was on John and Debbie's roof for the last 3 weeks
  • Offered advice to a student in liverpool via text message
  • Managed to aquire 2 x new Yellow Cards (tm)
  • Have a random convo with Laura at 01:00 on msn
  • As the "friendliest bouncer in the world" for a fight outside in the Well's beer garden.

So all in all, quiet night really - and as you can probably tell, I wasnt completely to blame for lastnight, but instead, John and Debbie's as I was nearly ready for bed. The continued to pester me to go to the quiz :o/

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Swings and Roundabouts

Saturdays cost saving iniative moved forward into a new era and level. Had two letters from Warwickshire County council which worried me a little. Luckily one was about five a side, the other was a chase up for council tax ( they wanted 68 quid ). Phone bill from BT (38 quid) and also an elecricity bill for 52 quid - sure I switched over to British Gas for that !?!

Went food shopping - and thats it - into town - avoiding CD/DVD/Clothes shops - purchased enough food for the week - including packed lunch stuff - see if I can reduce my spending at work (normally around 25 quid per week - thats 100 quid a month - imagine how many beers you can get for that!!). Spent around 40 quid for the week on food - and that includes cleaning products.

On the plus side, I managed to get back 68p on my IBM Shared from June

Imagine my suprise when neighbours (HIYA!!) John and Debbie MSN me with notice that they have got me a fab present - turns out to be two.

  1. George Mikes' - How to be Poor - Penguin Publications
  2. Alan Whicker - Australia Through the eyes and lives of resident Poms - Fontana/Collins
Alan Whicker - Fantastic huh ? Or as;
  • The Daily Express says "hugely entertaining"
  • Terry Wogan says "I was delighted"
  • Sunday People said, "A real treasure trove"
  • The star exclaims, "Good on yer, Alan"

Friday, September 24, 2004

Cost Saving Iniatives - they just come a rolling

After a stressful week at work, I retired to Canal House Residence to find the fridge almost vr empty. Eggs, pint of milk, some blue cheese (it was supposed to be blue), come bacon, belgian beers that Naomi bought me and the bottle of wine I started on lastnight. Had a fantastic idea to do some of Steve's Special Potatoes (c) with an omlette - half way through cooking the potatoes, worked out I didnt have cheddar cheese to make the omlette correctly so nipped to somerfield around the corner. Fantastic meal - total cost of night - £1.29 - lush.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

T'Internet meet EEN, EEN meet T'Internet

Caught up with one of my best mates from Newcastle, Een, today - after exchanging random URLs - he gave me the following

Rate him as you wish ... remember he's married with a kid, he's also a mentalist and hates football :- Hint - "1"

Life becoming too Taxing

A night of enjoyment and excitement has just happened at home ... After running around a football pitch for an hour, having many attempts on goal - and still missing (3 weeks in a row now without scoring), it came to the point where I HAVE to do my TAX return form. After putting it off for months, its getting towards the 31st Sept deadline. Never in my life have I been so confused, so dull and so want to force forks into my eyes - thats how bad it is.

Lastnights cost saving iniative didnt really go to plan - we had a couple of beers at the Well - pound night - 2 x Stella = £2.00 - excellent you'll find. Then ended up in voodoo for a round - at which point you might as well remortgage your house. We then moved to the curry house and between three of us - spending 66 quid on luxury items - well, mainly chicken based meals.

Myself and Nick then ventured back to the boys club, discussed the finer things in life, such as cricket and are all oxford dictionaries made in oxford, over some brandy - before getting home and falling into a stella/curry/stella/cobra/stella coma - total cost of night - 30 quid - lush

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Night of the Pound Table

Cost saving iniatives are flying around - with everyone giving advice on how to ease up on the spending, but also have an enjoyable time. For example, tonight is Pound Night at the Well, as well as this, one of the lads from work is staying over night.

  • Beverage at the pub = 1 x Beer = £1.00
  • food = 1 x Curry (using his £20 a head overnight food allowance)

Steve pays = £1.00, IBM pays for my food.

On top of this, its been decided that Canal House Holdings Ltd will be outsourcing Canal Life from India as of Winter and Ducks will go to the "Bill Centre"

Monday, September 20, 2004

Cost Saving Iniatives

Over the last couple of months, I've had to fork out alot of money with;
  1. car getting broken into (twice in one day)
  2. entertaining
  3. purchasing house items
  4. birthdays
  5. etc etc.

Its now got to the sitation where I'm having to result to IBM cost recovery size plans (don't worry, we're not outsourcing the ducks to India). To deal with this, I'm suggesting one (maybe two) night out a week - Should be Thursdays (sociable night out) and Sundays (pub quiz) and therefore resulting in sociable nights in for Films, food, PS2 games. Also a fantastic way to catch up on sleep and the bills.

Anyone who would like to donate money, please email me for postal address.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Welcome to Coventry *

a pub, in coventry - today

Just wasting my time!

Well, a "friend" asked me to help him move today. He used to be co-manager of the Well, one of my fav haunts, and moving over to Coventry to manage the Aardvark. So, after my exhausting couple of weeks, I said I would naturally help, after he's helped me out in the past. Pick him up at 8.45 (on Sunday - is there such a time ?!?) to pick up one of the largest lorries in the world and help him fill it (and unpack it) not once, but twice. Random items include;
  • 4 x sofas
  • 3 x Tvs (one of which the heaviest in the world)
  • 2 x matresses (again, the heaviest in the world)
  • 1 x washing machine (with clothes inside)
  • 1 x fridge freezer (with frozen food inside)
  • 1 x girlfriend
  • 1 x baby
  • 1 x fishing rods

Anyhoo, he kindly bought Burger Kind for "lunch" and a diet pepsi back at the pub, while we watched Newcastle beat Southampton for the first time in 4 billion years (actually 32 years) and, fingers turned to blistering sticks.

After spending nigh on 10 hours with the guy (with Rich's help - and Chris in the morning), he hosted his very last pub quiz at the Well. So what happened, he decides that he's going to reduce our team's score by 5, making us joint first and a play off for the pot of money. Now, what kind of person does that to "friends" ? I may need to seek further advice to resolve this problem. Anyhoo, we ended up coming away with 2 x Euro 2004 etched glasses for our troubles - any my fingers and legs falling off.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

I'm Lovin' it

Decided to do something with my day, rather than faff around, blink and its monday morning again. After my snooze in the pub, woke up around 10am to my phone going off and my sister calling me. After asking if she'd woken me up, she decided to hang up - just to perplex me slighly.

Anyhoo, after racing to the train station, walking around the Bull Ring surrounded by
  • a) the slowest people in the world
  • b) people deciding that walking in front of me is funny
  • c) screaming kids
  • d) Pikey / Charvers

I decided that my hangover needed a cure, of which, I had strawberry milkshake in my head - so went to macdonalds, got my milkshake, got train back to Leamington.

Price of Milkshake = £7.00 approx - sure Guiness Book of Records dont want to hear about that

The tale of two ... pubs

After a week of constant work, the toll is starting to show on my life. Two nights, two seperate public houses, of which - fell asleep in both. Ended up in the Well for a couple of beverages and a catch up, the usual "I'm with Jimmy" occurred and the pub enptied, with the usual regulars and bar staff / "bar keep". Next thing I know, its 3am, I've awoken from a deep sleep and about 2 mins from being locked in all night. Luckily, Jimmy didnt take his baseball bat to my skull, yawned, stretched and wobbled home

Friday, September 17, 2004

My Fridge - Tonight

Shocking state of affairs :-
  • Milk out of date
  • Bottle of french white wine
  • 4 x bottles of belgian beer
  • Cheesecake out of date
  • Eggs out of date
  • Butter (for Rich) out of date
  • Bacon - about to go out of date
  • Dodgy looking cheese

Coffee - Not that its all cracked up to be!

Managed to scam a free coffee today by the lovely Rachel today - never tried it, always smelt like shit to me. So, on a day of madness and carnage, I decided to do something on a whim.

I took one sip, and quite frankly, I'll not be touching coffee ever again!

Coffee - dont touch it with a barge pole!

Hello, Alan Whicker Here!

One of the funniest and strangest adverts I've seen for a long time. We were watching Newcastle v Second rate scummy team in the Well lastnight - then this advert came on.

All I can say is that myself and Rich would have come up with something like that after a beer session.

Not so FAB!!!!

Day just gets worse ... Heard from Guiness Book of Records :-

Dear Mr Wharton

Thank you for sending us the details of your recent record proposal for 'Number of FAB Ice Lolly's In One Day'. We are afraid to say that we are unable to accept this as a Guinness World Record.

We receive over 60,000 enquiries a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new categories. These are not 'made up' to suit an individual proposal, but rather 'evolve' as a result of international competition in a field, which naturally accommodates superlatives of the sort that we are interested in. We think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.
We appreciate that this may be disappointing to you. We are always keen to hear from people who wish to set a Guinness World Record. If you should need any advice regarding record breaking in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us, quoting the above membership number.
Once again thank you for your interest in Guinness World Records.

Yours sincerely,
Laura Baker
Records Research Services

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

My "Persona" Graphic

I have blond hair, I have a Newcastle United top, I have a nice smile and I also have blue trousers - now;

pl. per·so·nas or per·so·nae (-n) A voice or character representing the speaker in a literary work.

IBM - International Bloody Misery!

We have an MSN - style instant messenger application at work - called Sametime / Notes Buddy - depends what mood / how old you are. We also have an internal employee directory called BluePages, a subsection called a Persona Page - to which you can upload a photo. In typical techie style, everyone has adopted their own persona's. For example, hardcore techies have the Linux Penguin, Rich has Cartman from Southpark, and I have a slightly amended version of a Southpark character with a Newcastle United strip, and so on and so on. Anyhow, in their wisdom, management have decided that they dont have anything to do this month, and have now ordered people to remove these photos as its breaking some dodgy ITCS rule and regulat and it doesnt look very good with the customers.

Digging around I've found the following;
  1. pl. per·so·nas or per·so·nae (-n) A voice or character representing the speaker in a literary work.
  2. pl. personas The role that one assumes or displays in public or society; one's public image or personality, as distinguished from the inner self.
  3. personae The characters in a dramatic or literary work.

Now, I cant see anything in the above, to state that persona means you have to be a morky twat and chained to your desk without being able to crack a joke - idiots!

same ol' wharton - always missing

Well another manager comes into St James Park - and it appears the knock on effect is my dry goalscoring patch ... coincedence ? I think not! Ample opportunities running down the keeper, but last ball is terrible. I can only put it down to a number of factors
  • Not being any good
  • The 'keeping outsizing the goal
  • The constant stress at work - with idiots asking stupid stupid questions
  • Women from my past who I still have strong feelings for

My goal tally for September is 0 - although, 1 less than a certain Mr Shearer.

Twat on a stick you could say really

Monday, September 13, 2004

running up that hill (well canal)

After comments like 'you're getting a beer belly again steve' and getting out of breath when i get into the shower, I decided to do something about my health. So I've motivated myself to go for a jog down the canal. "National Steve is going to be very good and healthy" didnt go too well, after the back to school lunch I had which consisted of chips, beans and burger - followed by donuts.

Came in from work, put shorts on ... ran up to ford factory, walked halfway and jogged back - its about 1 mile, even the stuff I jogged, so came back and sweated vr much.

After yesterdays failure at detox'ing - this is improving

same ol' wharton - always winning

Well - so much for a quiet night out. Was supposed to be a quiet night out, a couple of beers at the most. We ended up at the quiz (typical sunday night out) and some how managed to pull HUGE amounts of information out of the bag - at one point having 20/20 in the quiz. Things normally nose dip at this point and we end up loosing to 0.5 points or something strange. However we managed to win 10 quid each - lush on a stick (reminds me - need to get FAB lollys in)

Good night after 6(ish) pints down The Well.

Had lunch with Laura - was nice, break from the old routine as per the norm - hope I helped with her problems.

Done my normal "would you like to go out for a drink" to late - aka, BYE! stylee - but also breaking out of my mould of being shy and regretting not speaking - then getting in a bad mood with myself

Sunday, September 12, 2004

its oh, so quiet *

Was invited to the neighbours lastnight for a round of drinks, however due to the fact that Stella are now just about to sponsor me due to the intake of their beautiful beverage, I decided to pass. However it appears that its my fault that John and Debbie are hungover from the Friday night, when I was being sociable .. which has resulted into blog-wars.

Lets get the facts straight;
  • I invited John and Debbie around for "one drink"
  • John falls asleep, mentioning something about David Bowie and Pixies
  • Debbie drinks 3/4 bottle of white wine
  • I talk complete sense to everyone for approx 3 hours
  • Ate FAB lolly before going to bed
  • John did in fact scream like a girl while standing on the step to the canal

Anyhoo, ended up watching Fargo, curled up on my sofa, then Newcastle - Blackburn on match of the day - went to bed. See I can be a good boy once in a while

Saturday, September 11, 2004

just so FAB

Seems that I have just beaten my previous world record for FAB lolly's - now ... ladies and gentleman .... the total is up to 5

Please mind the step

Posted by Hello

Just why ??

You may or may not know ... I live next to the canal ... One of my observations is - WHY OH WHY do people take dogs on canal barges ? All they do is pant and shove their tongues out.

La la la la la America!

Well, being in a position of power these days ... its only right you get the ability to abuse it. So after getting asked to sort out a Disaster Recovery test for 2 people - decided I needed an all expences paid trip to Washington DC. Planning to take some time off, pop up to the big apple (not the fruit - the city) and screw IBM for it ... haha - Foo'

Think Brian (the other geezer from work) is going to do the same with him and his wife - lets only pray that Rachel goes too. Purr!

Anyhoo ... this is going to be in the middle of Jan - time enough to save up for my testical warmers

Chesington World of Adventure

I got asked by a colleague today if I was just interested in Rachel X because I work with her father and I'm tryin to wind him up. Had to put him straight that she is lush, really is lush. On which I decided to be anti me - and ask her for a beer -- although got a knock back - typical isnt it. Still hoping

Friday, September 10, 2004

you fat b***tards

well ... where do i start, interesting week - lets start with work. We were asked to attend a round meeting with our 2nd line (and shes a friend). So we ask about job security, stress, preassure etc ... blah blah blah. Get invited out for a motivational meal afterwards at the thai elephant. So aftr starters, thai beer, main meal - we get the bill. THEY HAVE THE CHEEK TO ASK FOR US TO INPUT 10 QUID TO THE TOTAL AND A MOTIVATIONAL NIGHT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, calming down after that *

We go clubbing. i get pissed off coz nice lass = me looking stressed, get pissed off when i cant talk to her. I get pissed off and moody

Monday, September 06, 2004

Guiness book of records :- Update

Update Update Update Update Update Update

Now broke my own record - now standing at 4 FAB Lollies

stress on a stick

had friday off as holiday and came in on monday morning to find out im team leading. its a good job, lots of satisfaction, however so many people are quick to critisise. baring in mind issues have been happening for 4/5/6 weeks - its now MY problem - idiots.

Heard a good friend of mine Spenc Huckstepp is leaving - he's what I would call an abusive friend. I know him, Ive hardly met him (although he was on my Begining one voice course at work), but we get on very very well

Saturday, September 04, 2004


Dont know what the world record is for number of Fab Ice Lolly's are - but already had 3 today - head hurts with coldness.

Footballing highlights

A number of things which did amuse me in the Villa game last week :-

Normally - "Stand up, if you love the toon" - turned into,
"Pogo, if you love the toon" &
"Shoes off, if you love the toon" - The latter resulting in 100s of geordies taking off shoes and waving in the air!

Also to the tune of
"brown girl in the ring" - "Craig Craig Bellamy - la la la la laa"
"Do do do doo dododo dooo" (dance hit which i dont know) - "Do do do do Patrick Kliuvert"

Plenty more which I will update (after having to play translator for the day)

Football is never black and white - unless you're the Toon

Well ... even by footballing standards - Newcastle United have managed to do the ultimate - confuse fans, confuse players, confuse the public ... even more so - confusing the press. I'm a geordie through - and - through - and would do anything for my beloved club. However, even now I'm starting to wonder why I follow them. The Villa - Newcastle game was entertaining, even tho we lost. This has now put me in a nose dive mood for the week, getting to thursday where I could barely talk to anyone else, unless they were in a mood themselves (Thanks Rich)

My mood went from bad to even worse on Thursday night, bumped into someone I have still have strong feelings for, but she doesnt want to know - someone I could shake, but also kiss passionately for hours. Anyhow ... to brighten up the night, ended up in Rios til 2am - then a house party til 4am, then got woken up 7.30 ish to people having to go to work. Another night of the strange ... hangover only just numbing my mood