Beckham Scoring at St James Park - mmm

After the joys of Sunday Night / Monday morning - and not getting up til 3pm still feeling drunk, I decided to lay off the beer for a couple of days. Well, it wasnt a case of staying off it - I had too - everything I thought about Stella, Carling, well, anything close to alcohol, my stomach was turning. So a fantastic bank holiday monday well spent - not so much was the paranoia which then hit me when I went to bed, basically slept for 3 hours and heard everything that ticked, tweaked and rattled during the night.

Yesterday (Tuesday), Debbie, invited me out for lunch to cheer me up (I had Tuesday off as well, wasnt skiving!) so we ventured into the Hogs Head in Leamington and had Hot Beef Sandwich and gravy - mmm, very nice, as too was the sexy barmaid who served us. Sadly everytime I tried to help her out (typical Steve) I ended up dropping things and was a little bit of a sham. Needless to say, I ended walking out bright red face and no pride inplace. We wandered around town and done some window shopping, even this tired out poor little debbie's legs, however she got revenge by taking me to the underwear department of House of Frazers. Yeah, coz that works "oh no Debbie, dont make me look at that underwear and those attractive sales assistants." and "Please, oh please, can we go Debbie, my eyes burn". Anyhow, we worked out that the 1st floor women's department are for either very very small people, bag ladies or women who have very fine taste in underwear (not that I looked *). Tip to women ... (and I know I go on about it all the time) French Knickers - so much more tasteful than thongs - trust me - I know

Anyhow...

What do you need in a week where you dont want to drink - England International. As you may or may not know, we have 5aside at St Nicks Park on Wednesdays, so quite merrily got the bus into the outskirts of Warwick - walked 25 mins towards the park in the light rain, got changed, only to find that 3 other people could be bothered to turn up. We managed to scram enough people together for a 3v4 game and finished at 6.55 and got a lift to the station. I got back with plenty time to hand, until Kerri (lovely lass from upstairs) spoke to me in the street (its chucking it down at this point) about a few damp areas that we've created between the two of us. Insert 25 mins talking about random stuff and I was late, quick shower, change and I was down the Well to watch a dull and drab game of football being hosted at the hub of english football, St James Park *. After 4 pints of water and a pint of diet coke, I managed (after some arm twisting by Captain John O) to force a pint of guiness down my neck, followed by another - then a pint of Stella. Following chips in Pitta bread, what else do you need ? (apart from a new stomach)

Responsible Drinking :: The Way Forward

After thursday night's Mirage-fest and Saturday's Football related drinking banter, I decided that cutting down on drink was probably a best way to head. Needless to say, I ended up at the pub quiz with Captain Boots (Heir Rich was up at Chesterfield shamming about) and had a couple of drinks. There was some bouncer who turned up 3 hours earlier for his shift, so due to the fact it was only me and Boots on the team, we allowed him to join us. There were about 12 teams and we came about half way - which isnt bad for someone over the hill like me, and someone like boots. The lovely Jess was there - looking very stunning, but due to being nervous, I blushed a number of times and hid in a corner and was shy.

Anyhoo, after the quiz, we listened to some music, I got a little more drunk, used a toilet seat as a guitar (dont ask), discussed the finer matters of German Mathematics using Quantum Theories, then last orders was called. Using the top quality Well Drinking pass, we sweettalked Andy into letting us stay (Nice chap Andy, heated up Hot Cross Buns for everyone) and had a couple more beers. We eventually got kicked out of the Well around 2ish (I'm assuming), so made the suggest that we got some more beers and drank them somewhere. To which we ended up at the Bandstand (like Chavs) drinking Stella til 4 in the morning with Boots, Pete from the Well, and Jules (Barkeep) discussing what our piss sounds like (Mines like a hurd of Elephants - So I was told).

While we were at the Bandstand ;

• I chased after a milkfloat
• Boots chased after rabbits
• Pete talked about his sister
• Jules talked about his sister
• We talked about easter and how it means so much to us all

I cant remember getting home, nor do I remember if I was walking back with Captain Pete (I found out on Wednesday I did) - but must have been in a decent state, coz I wasnt sick, nor were the doors unlocked

England 4 - N Ireland 0 - Steve's Pint Consumption - Lots

After a quiet night in, I got a text message from an old friend (well, technically he's young) who we used to do the quiz with. Boots, kindly suggested popping down to the Well for a couple of quiet beverages and watch the England International, of which I got very confused because I thought it was kick off at 4 - when it wasnt - so rushed around at the last minute to get my stuff sorted. Anyhoo, I got there with about 2 mins on the clock, got the round in and caught up on any gossip that was going on. This theme carried on quite alot, til around 6:45 when I asked if they were putting the new fab Dr Who episode on the big screen - to which they said they would. I've always been a massive Whovian, ever since being a small kid, much to the delight of Boots and his friend, who just nodded agreed and got worried when I told them I remember the last series (not the shitty Movie sham). Anyhow, just at this point, loads of Chavs walked in and sat right under the screen, and although I wasnt scared - I wanted to watch it in peace - without any abuse - so suggested to Boots and his friend (dont know his name - so we'll call him Donald for simplicity) we watch it back at my place. So, after nearly sprinting back to my place (Warning : maybe a drunken mele) we watched the good Doctor in action with a new twist of "is he near the edge of insanity or just plain crazy" and enjoyed a Stella each. After that, back to the Well for more beverage and met up with the lovely Sam who used to work there - and we enjoyed vast amounts of alcohol, took in a little bit of downstairs rock/metal/indie night before everyone getting kicked out. Of course, the Well afterhours pass had to come out and we ended up there til around 2 ( I'm assuming - I really dont have a clue to be honest) and we hung around outside watching Chavs sitting on bus shelters and throwing pint glasses - so someone called the police. Of which, two police cars came to sort these Chavs, which then started "Steve's rant about the state of the police" and how they can send 2 cars, and 4 police persons for this - yet they failed to send anyone for;

• 2 x car breakins
• 1 x car theft
• 2 x stones being thrown at conservatories and glass being smashed

Anyhow, luckily, due to the effects of alcohol, they couldnt understand what I was saying as I was doing a "Bob"

Hip and Street with the Chavs

A sociable drink with John, Debbie, and some other perfectly respectable chaps and chappesses was what it was all about. After being dropped in the crap by my new boss asking me to stand in for him next week at work, having 3 nanoseconds to eat food, shower and get changed - we wandered down to the town house. Chattering away, Debbie instigated MSN faces - so of course, had to join in the game until I won (again). Anyhow, insert about 3 hours of drinking and playing on Quiz machines, we ended up in Jug and Jester, John coughed and spluttered a little, PFH just wobbled, I grinned loads and Debbie recieved a text message from one of her students. The text basically said come to Mirage and get in for free. FREE!! Thats like a red rag to a bull, so myself and Debbie went for a hip and street boogie. On arriving and asked for some big bouncer and him growling at us (I think Debbie scared him a little) we managed to bypass all security checks and got in for free - it was like being at the Oscars, just without celebs, free flowing champers, and er, the Oscars. Anyhooo, we get inside and its £1 a bottle for carling - Debbie and I just grinned for about 20 mins. We get on the dance floor to be surrounded by Chavs, which is just fantastic! I saw the most amusing sight ever, so funny that I was doubled up on the dance floor laughing at this Chav. This lad (baring in mind my Tap/flirting technique isnt exactly great), walks up to this attractive girl on the dance floor, looks at her (she ignores him) so he kicks her in the shins, she turns to him growls and shouts at him. He then kicks her again, then asks for a dance. Support you had to be there really, but when debbie got back from the bar, she was wondering what was so funny. After another couple of trips to the bar, I was starting to feel a little drunk, so indulged in shouting "Chav" to the words of each song. Debbie didnt really like this and tried to shut me up incase it caused some trouble. Also that night;

• Headbutted
• Elbowed
• Foot (and bad toe) stood on
• Went to Viali's and talked to someone on tongues - well, he said something, I thought he was asking for a fight, I told him I couldnt be arsed, but could come back tomorrow and we'll sort it out if he really wanted too.
• Spent 30 mins trying to walk home, getting slower and slower
• Sang "show me the way to amarilo" lots

Theres More T Ireland Dan Dis

Yes, stereotypical irish comments as its St Patricks day today ... "Top t the morning t ya". I had tried to arrange a good group of people from work to have an offsite meeting down the boozer around 4pm, howver this none drinking gubbins chucked a spanner in the works. So, against all the odds, and pleasing from nutter neighbour debbie to come out and get boozed up, I stayed in, done some work, and detoxed my body. Fantastic, well, it was until around 01:00 when the true paper like walls revealed one of my good neighbours deciding he wanted to place his neck around the U-bend of his bog. Lovely - just what you need really isnt it - I wouldnt mind so much if i was shitfaced then I could appriciate the pain he was going through.

Football, Football, Football

After a bit of a crap week at work, and very stressful at that, Wednesday marks the return of Steve playing football and running around like a headless chicken for an hour while going bright red. Lush, yes, I havent played for 4 weeks, for one reason or another - so was always going to be a struggle. Now that the IT "fair weather player" Students have turned up again, I wanted to shut one of them up - I never professed to be a great (or even good) player, but I try - and its all about banter and exercise. One of them decided to make it clear that I wasnt very good at all, sadly he was on my team today and I slowly got into the game when I managed to dink a pass behind me to a guy unmarked - even regulars were impressed. Anyhooooo, had a couple of chances - nothing came off tho - nevermind - always next week when I'm more dryer, had some exercise and lost more weight.

Newcastle were also playing in the uefa cup tonight, managed to win 7-1 on aggr - Quarter finals in that Cup, and semi's in the FA Cup - still not looking great tho.

3rd night of not drinking too - impressed ?

Dry as Canada Dry

I've decided to give up drinking for 2 weeks - dont know why - maybe its putting on some weight and constantly feeling like someone is kicking me in the guts. I know its going to be hard and I know its a little harsh, but maybe Rich being stitched up and being forced to go to the States within a moments notice may help my goal. If you see me out and about - DONT buy me a drink - I'm serious about this. Although, I've just worked out, you have St Patricks, a birthday and Easter weekend in the next 14 days - lush - I've got the shakes already just thinking about it.

Happy Birthday Rich

Rich's official Birthday today - it also fell on FA Cup weekend - Newcastle were playing Spurs at home. Was nice of Rich to invite me around, have a sly (one) beer while we watched, chatted and chilled. Nomes, Captain Andrew and Princess Vicky also turned up and we give Rich his presents. Of to TJs for some funky pints of Stella, then King Babba's for curry ( then returning to TJs for more beer) The rest of them retired to Rich's for more beer, while I went home to bed to get an early night

Aye

Her name was Rio

Thursday was Rich's official beer session out in Leamington Spa - fantastic - no real excuse needed really is there - but there was. After meeting at the Hogs Head (now the old butcher) we managed to get a couple of rounds in, people mainly buying Rich "down them in one and get boozed up so much you wont remember your name" drinks. This was a good laugh and pretty sociable. John and Debbie kindly turned up (its like they need an excuse to drink!!) and decided to tell alot of people that I'm a stalker - fantastic hey? I look after their flat, lend them my DVDs (which they forget to return) and they call me that - lush

Anyhooo, it was decided that Rios was going to be the next point of call, not many people went, but we made the most of it - well, technically we drank to forget that we were in some shanky night club that hasnt had a redecor since 1982. I got talking to an old colleague who was there with another group, so Vicky decided I was obviously on the tap and setout to destroy any fun.

Bob was then so highpitched, that all the local dogs gathered in the club - no, thats the local talent, and then his eyes turned red and he lost the ability to speak altogether. Rich just got boozed up, angry and stormed off, Vicky got upset on the way back (probably because of Bob speaking in such a squeeky voice) and I fell into a coma til 9am the next morning.

Conclusion - Rios is rubbish, Friends are great, Should have gone to the Well instead - cheap beers and crazy people.

Potty about Pots, er Clayy about Clay ?

Ever wondered what the North West Scottish coast line and the Jordanian Desert have in common ? No? - well neither did I until I was having a couple of sociable sly beverages on a Sunday in TJs in Leamington Spa. Here, myself and the Captain were talking about the finer things in life, the smell of a 5 year old Cigar, how everything in space comes from nothing and most importantly, Golf - just why? Anyhoo, after looking through the local publication, The Courier, we spotted an old Chum, Andrew Palin ( we knew him before he was famous and was only called Andy ) - we found out that he's having some kind of bash at the Pump Rooms, in Leamington Spa, Wednesday night. He'll be giving a talk about Pottery, TV Ariels, the different textures of material and the process of how he actually produces such a pot - I'm guessing anyhow, other than that, its just an extract from Ghost (the movie, not the spiritual being).

I think it starts around 7ish, but I wouldnt bet on that - tell you what - you could always look at this link and find out yourself, even better, why not turn up and buy a pot and make the man happy

Bring back Collapsed Lung

Those who read this regularly, may or may not know, that I'm a massive Collapsed Lung fan, and have been for a very long time - and you also may know that I have one of the singers on my MSN list and chat random crap from time to time. Lastnight was one of them random nights - basically got boozed up on Stella and Whisky (18 year old Glennfidich, I'll have you know) where we talked about football (the mackems had just gone top of the coca cola shambles) and the olden days. Ant had promised me some music that he's been working on - so kindly reminded him about that - and true to his word, he started to process some CDs for me. Anyhoo, this obviously brought back some of the old times of CL tracks and we both started listening to (typically) "Eat My Goal", "TV is Life Elvis" and my personal favs, "Codename: Omega" & "Something Ordinary"

I kinda suggested a reforming, and I dont know how pissed up Ant was - but would be class - esp if a football related song was released for the World Cup

A lung, collapsed, yesterday (pictures centre)

Anyhoo, turns out some of the stuff he's sending me, never got released before they split - so I'm hoping its good crack. He also mentioned about some flaw in a song that was released as part of the C**LER album , which annoys him and grates on him. Personally, I've listened to the song loads today - and cant tell the difference. So, nodding and agreeing and slowly leaving the door, probably best if I dont review any music - ever - no really.

1st class stamp, 3rd class service

Its not the first time its happened, and I've kept quiet up til now - well apart from in the pub and its become one of my soap box favs - amongst others. Basically it was my sisters birthday on Tuesday (1st) - so obviously being her fav big brother (and technically her only brother) I've sent her a nice card with a cheque in it. Happily post it on Sunday afternoon befoer I meet the captain down the boozer for a couple of swift ones before the hard working week once again. So, Tuesday turns up (baring in mind, 1st class stamp and at least one day to get around the country) and phone up to wish her a happy birthday - with a little annoyance in my sisters voice I ask whats wrong, "you bloody forgot my birthday havent you bro" - to which I explained that I send the card on Sunday. Anyhoo, its now Saturday (technically sunday) and she's just received the card - how crap is that ?

Another example of this, Pippa - one of my closest friends, had her 30th a couple of days after mine - to which, being a good friend - who she obviously looks up too (only in height) - I sent her a card. This card still hasnt turned up - how gutted am I.

In this situation, how do you get some kind of refund from the post office ? surely if I forked out 2 quid for a card and 30p for a stamp, they should be oblidged to refund me that - shouldnt they ?