Christ on a bike (part 2)

Remember this and that

Things are about to get even more creepier - believe me - and its all down to John

Anyhoo, to make some sense of this entry .. I was having a retro 2 hours - going thru some of my old CDs - one of which collapsed lung - I have this fantastic tshirt which I bought at a CL gig in leeds many many years ago, and its now towards the end of time. So dug around on T'Internet for places selling T-Shirts with the infamous C**LER blue and white tshirt. Sadly couldnt find anything, then decided to switch my search tactics to the newly formed band. I knew ant way back when life was simple and there was a thing called student grants, so decided to check out his name. Came across a hotmail/msn address - so decided to add it on the off chance - sure enough - up pops MSN.

We get chatting, have a laugh - talk about past, present and future - I let slip where I live, what I'm doing. Turns out Ant (my teenage hero) knows someone from the same area, working at the same place via his gaming channels - turns out to be no other than Gary Barker.

Bunch of Arse -nal

They say football is all about the highs and lows - now let me tell you *waving fist in your general direction* - 2004 has been a complete waste of a year in terms of Newcastle United (maybe with the exception of reaching the semis of the uefa cup. Anyhoo, the last couple of games have been dross - please - someone - tell me - how can you play a central defender on the right and a right back in central defence AND the same in midfield - just chaos all over again. We are now playing like the dalglesh era - aka - getting up to their box - bricking our pants and punting it back to the keeper - and starting all over again. Like I say, if you're a geordie and support the toon, then you'll know its been a bad time lately. When Sky billed the Newcastle v Arsenal game as last game of 2004 three things sprung to mind;

• whitewash
• shambles
• Where's my Carling Rich ?

Anyhoo, it turned out to be a good game, entertaining and more importantly - passionate and Newcastle playing for a little bit of pride for a change. Yea yea, we have Shearer injured, Kluivert out, blah blah, its still not excuse for people raking in 20/30K a week for being scared of a ball. Turns out that a) we should have a pen due to some dodgy refereeing and b) arsenal's only goal was spawny if not a little brilliant.

After refusing a lockin (Rich is off swanning around Europe over New Year and had a flight at 8am) we ended up in the Kebabital and bumped into JT (Dirty Mackem scum - but very nice bloke - even after the "Dont tell Mrs T - but Newcastle are a massive team compared to Sunderland" convo at his 30th) who decided to rip into my new funky jumper I purchased from GAP that day - THANKS!

BYE THEN, XMAS!!!

Xmas is a time to be with those you care about, and I done just that. After work and a good game of football on Wednesday night, I drove straight up North in the top quality 110 quid for 7 days hire car. Managed to get to my mothers around 10:30 so, not a bad journey really. However (and this isnt slating my mother off) but she has the smallest, coldest spare room in the world, with the smallest, coldest single bed in the universe. Needless to say, with the M1 still going through my head I didnt get to sleep til around 3am. Bless my mother, she put a hot water bottle in my bed to take the chill out of the bed. A couple of things you may or may not want to know, but as I fall asleep, I somehow become the hottest material in the solar system - this is great when its cold - not what you had a hotwater bottle in the bed.

As I was working from the Newcastle office, I had to be up at some unearthly hour of 7.30am - Within seconds of being the hottest object, I went to the coldest as soon as I managed to crawl out of bed. Knowing my mum had a shower, I attempted to warm myself up - although she has one of them showers, you know, one twist to the left, the water is minus 802 degrees, one twist to the right, you loose your skin - never a happy medium. Between here and Xmas Day, I visited Philippa, a close friend that I've been in touch with since school. We had a laugh, I had a can of carling and got sent on my way.

Xmas day was cool (in more ways than one) - had a nice sleep in - well, I managed to staple myself to the bed so I wouldnt fall out. Opened nice presents from my mum - then got showered (at this point I dont have any skin left) and we went over to my sisters (Gillian) who was cooking Xmas Lunch for us all - she was looking a little green around the cheeks, so said I would help her out, where she left to go upstairs. Already stinking of garlic from her Kebab from the infamous Xmas Eve Beer Session - she came back looking a little rough and admitting that she had just chucked her guts - at which point I took control of the dinner - incase she collapsed in the turkey - to which point my Dad turned up. Lunch was nice, even tho I may say so myself - and we had a laugh, they all drank in front of me (sure they were trying to rub it in) - also got a suprise call from the lovely Jess to wish me a Merry Xmas too - purr.

Boxing day was chilled (in more ways than one) - and managed to find Ikea open - so done some shopping there before going back to Winlaton to take some photos of the pubs. After my hands going blue, I went to visit another close friend from school, Een. It was their baby girl's birthday (little Jess - not sexy stoodent - that would just be wrong) 1st birthday last month, so felt guilty and only met her once. She is the sweetest thing in the world - very intellgent already - and got me thinking about having a kid (although, technically I have to find someone to have a baby with). Een and myself made plans for a drunken night up in Winlaton, while having extra large buttons forced into my arm and kids juice poured all over my jeans.

So it was set, I was going to stay at my sisters for the night, go out drinking with Een and Harry (Een's Dad). Winlaton is like the wild west of old - you cannot predict what will happen - ever. Its a constant source of amusement for those who know where to stand and who to watch, the girls are lovely looking, yet knobbing complete Chavs, Crimmies and those with half a brain cell - hence me and Een never pulling in Winlaton. We chatted, chilled out and eventually got drunk - so after last orders, myself and Een decided that chips and gravy would be ideal to close the night. I promised I would take my sister a kebab back (at this point she was at a house party down her road). I managed to stagger back to my sisters street (through one of the dodgiest estates) and had a couple of bottles at this house party - which was nice - traditional geordie welcoming - well apart from who's house it was. After chips, I fell into a Carling/Stella/Fosters Coma until the next morning.

Said my good byes to my sister and my mum - packed the car, drove down and arrived 6 hours later - lovely - no food, no beer, no women at my place. Managed to resolve 2 out of the 3 by going to costcutters for Stella, and Mamma's Pizza for Pizza. Watched Lara Croft - which is probably the worst film I've ever seen - then watched Star Wars Ep 4 - had another suprise call from the lovely Jess. Collapsed into another Stella Coma - woke up Tuesday - went shopping - the end.

Pubs Pubs Pubs and More Pubs

After John and Debbie's top quality mini-project of photos of Leamington's Pubs, I decided I would do the same for my home town when I was up for Xmas. I give you - Public Houses of Winlaton. In comparison - not very good to John's collection - but you can see what life up north is like via the power of the Internet. It's probably very much safer than a visit to the Wild West of Winlaton.

Merry Weekend.

Well apart from the Chaos of pub mania ... which has turned out to be a whole year round activity. I have managed to sort out a hire car to newcastle. How the mighty has fallen, from Ka -> Rover 25 -> MG TF - how to class a hire car. Not trying to be a snob, but I like my comfort - doesnt matter if its my Ted Baker tshirts, my canal side flat, or comfy sports car - but its getting me from a to b - with a little more than I expected. Anyhoo, as of Wednesday lunch time, I will be hiring some dodgy Sinclair C5 or something. Going back to Newcastle is going to be a little strange, baring in mind I havent been there since April for friend Een's daughter Jess's chistening. I have the car til Wednesday lunch time, so I expect Monday/Tuesday return - depending on how stressed my family get me. Harsh I know - and its probably my fault because I dont visit as much as I should and could. I am looking forward to it .. mainly because its an excuse of getting out of the Leamington goldfish bowl, but also in the same nanosecond, very scared of whats going to be up there - my parents getting older, memories from yesteryear and the pull back to the geordie nation. I never thought I would want to go back, but experiences over the last 3 or 4 months are starting to suck me back. I've started to drift further than I expected too, getting stuck in that very very usual ruck - which can be good - dont get me wrong.

Anyhoo, I've managed to get into the Xmas spirit - mainly by buying Mincepies and wearing a Santa's hat - which I gave away in my festive mood - I've managed to get nearly all of my presents purchased - so I'm on course. I just know that come April/May I'll be humming Christmas Tunes at work - confusing people as I have already this year.

I have three christmas wishes for this year - one of which no one can provide - I'm sure, one I can provide to someone else, and one I wish could happen to a close friend - because "I like to see my friends happy"

Football - Gumball more like

I had a hazy text message session with an old, close and trustworthy friend of my lastnight. This was in the middle of a session with Captain Rich. Anyhoo, Een - close, trustworthy friend has decided to arrange an unofficial gumball in the UK - invite only of course. I think the idea is that we start off in a location in the UK - and finsh at a predefined location in the fastest possible time. I called Een back up today to see how his arrangements were going - and what the fuck he was on about - turns out its a little like the cannonball run - so decided I might turn up like the below fellow - Captain Chaos

However, one small problem at the moment, I dont have a car - so the only things I can think are;

• Push bike
• Sinclair C5
• Buy a car when insurance comes through
• Hire the "66" bus for a weekend as a laugh.

mmmm Christmas Punch (part 2)

Strangely feeling OK and working from home, I suggested that Captain Rich & Admiral Bob meet me in the Hogs Head for lunch. To which Rich then arranged some kind of gathering when Captain Blunty and Princess Nomes turned up at 13:15. So we have a couple of pints, spot of food and nomes goes back to work. Things started to flow and I thought I could get used to this, however 2 hours into the session, I got called out with a project I was working on, so went back home, leaving Blunty and Rich to talk about lastnights party. After fixing the problem due to one character being incorrect, I gave Rich a shout to see if he was still in town, to which I recieved slurring, swearing and abuse - told him I would be up in 10 mins.

Once again the beer started to flow, Rich kept repeating the fact that he was drinking through the pain barrier to sober up, grinned for a while and finished his drink. Blunty then makes an exit as he was meeting friends in Kenilworth, so myself and the Captain decided food was in order - Bodrums Fish and Chip shop, where I had the hardest chips in the world, and the Captain had the ropiest looking kebab in the world. Rich was about to head home until I told him that the IT students were having a Xmas do at Yates around the corner. Of course, this was like a kid in a candy shop, we attended, bought beers and took the piss a little more - managing to aquire Santa hats each. We went down to the Well after this, where the IT students left one by one, however before this recieving a call from the lovely Jess asking if I wanted to meet her. So, of course, speechless I met up and we had a swift one in the Jug and had a little chat. Jess said that she was going back to Leeds for a couple of days to get away from the place, and might see me after Xmas. Her mum then came to pick her up, so like a gentleman, I walked her to the car. She did look vr foxy lastnight - sadly not staying any longer - which is a shame coz she is a lovely lass, got alot of time for her - being foxy and clicking with me has nowt to do with it - obviously.

Anyhoo, after most of the students had left, we decided to go for a wander for a change of venue - Kelsey's - a funny place, we were the only ones looking remotely festive, so we supped our pints and left. Rich suggested we might get into TJs - Leamingtons finest Bistro and Bar - still wearing our hats and now deffo feeling the effects of basically 48 hours constant boozing. John and Debbie where at the IBM Ball in Birmingham, so kept receiving text messages saying how I was probably their best neighbour and how I'm so nice blah blah. So we get into TJs - even tho its a private party - where Rich produces a black straw and bends it to look like a microphone - looking dapper - I decided I should follow his cool actions - after more beer, 80s music and looking like a pair of tits - we called it a day - still wearing microphone straws.

mmm Christmas Punch (part 1)

Well, what can I say, xmas is all about friends, family and basically getting shit faced as much as you can, in a small space of time. So much as happened over the last couple of days, I've tried to document it in small, and semi-understandable chunks - so here we go with Thursday.

The Day : Thursday, The Place : Leamington, The time - Thursday and Friday.

It was the IBM xmas do for ebiz at Maccy's, although I wasnt invited out for the meal (damn you - and let me tell you!!) but Rich and Nomes kindly asked me to the after beer mele (oh, so true on so many levels), before we went off to the sales Xmas do for more of the same, but for me - some food as well. After spending an hour waiting around for Rich for finish his 702 desserts - I decided to to go to the Hogs Head (now called the old butchers - not frank) for a sly one. Of course, in true Headworth style, he calls up as I get myself a pint - so being across the road he decided to slip out for a sly one and join me. To which he suggested if I wanted to have a laugh, I should suggest to a fellow Geordie about taking out his 18 and 21 year old daughters. Up for a laugh, I decided this would be funny - however I dont think Rich found the funny side when fellow Geordie Steve G grabbed him around the throat asking why I'm sniffing around his daughters. Anyhoo, we went over to the party to meet everyone else - where I was greated by Rich's manager shouting - "you're not ebiz, get the fuck out of here" - being a quiet and shy lad - I decided to tell him to shut the fuck up and sit down, he was a shambles, mess and couldnt manage a xmas pudding - nevermind a Team. This piss take basically continued for about 20 mins, when the next thing I know - three people are running out of the party and one of the team leaders holding his head with blood pouring out. Not someone to miss out, myself and Rich went over and mocked a little and got given more drinks by people who I've done favours for over the last years.

We moved on to Baroque to the sales gig, was good - less people, more fancy dress. JT - was dressed as homer simpson. Anyhoo - half way through the procedings, one of the lads gets a text message saying theres been more trouble, the same guy who hit the team leader, tried to headbutt the team leaders mate, and failed - and the lad's gf got a smash pint glass and threatened him - it all kicked off and family unity decreased as the lads brother started to make his feelings know.

Anyhooo. After this - we all piled into Rio's - some had beer, some had water - some left early - some stayed until after kicking out time.

What do you do ?

In the heart of my confusing, mental, adhoc world - there are a number of things which are still unclear - some of which are probably best kept like that - or my mind would explode. Anyhoo, its the festive time of year, drink starts to pour. There is someone in my magical mystical world who I really care deeply about. We're talking the type of person that makes the world stand still apart from you and her (you know - the matrix special effect gubbins) , the type of person that leaves you feeling weak at the knees and the type of person that you instantly click with that she leaves you speachless. You're probably thinking, this is all a little cheesy, and maybe it is ... but its coming from the heart. I havent felt like this about anyone, ever, and some people know about my history and what i've been through. Sometimes I dont know what goes on in her head, and I dont pretend too - sometimes i think we're so close but so far away. Strange hey ? Guess its one of them things when you've just met someone, but also feel like youve met them all you're life.

ANYHOO - here comes the complication / other hand to the story. Someone I've basically copped off with many times in the past (and friend) - well, we managed to do it again at an IT related xmas do. It was a corner of the pub/club situation, but she's seeing someone. I know she likes me, and I do think sometimes there could be a future of it. Anyhow, she basically told me I need to go away and think about stuff - what do I want, etc etc etc.

So what do you do when you close your eyes and think about someone constantly, think of their smile and stand still until that image leaves your mind (sometimes 5 mins until your grin goes). There is no pressure nor is there any stress, nor is there any kind of advertisement needed. Do you go for the safety and know that if you go for the latter, you are safe - but risk missing out on something that would be and will be so great

I know what I want, I know who I want - Its a case of if she wants the same thing, she wants someone she can trust, and maybe help her through alot of gubbins

Deep huh ?

For some reason, and I guess its mainly down to loosing the car - I REALLY hate Xmas this year. I know its harsh, and I know its a scrooge thing to do. Basically I could sleep for Xmas day and boxing day and not give a fuck. Its even got to the sitation where I'm waving my fist at festive things and screaming DAMN YOU!!!.

It might be because, Woolworths stock Xmas Festive Chocolate packs in August, it might be because you can book your Xmas Lunch at Hogs Head in Sept - its just boring.

On the other side, I'm really looking forward to seeing my folks again.

Trains Planes and Automobiles

After 3 months of no car action and xmas coming up very very very quickly, I am starting to worry how I'm going to get to Newcastle for xmas. Captain Bob (rich's team leader) said he would lend me his company car, however had to then take back the offer due to some legal rangling about only being used for work business. To be fair, his dad was in hospital with some small issue - oh yeah, heart attack - that'll be it.

Alison (my team leader) also offered me her spare car as her boyfriend and she are swanning off to Mainland Europe snowboarding. However, the added complication is that she's in India and her boyfriend is in Spain at the moment and dont return til Tuesday.

Anyhoo, decided to call my mother up after I got in from football - just to hear a friendly voice (explained in the above) - of course, she rants on how its close to xmas and I need a fall back plan - basically everything you dont want to hear, because you know its true - and you're bricking your pants about it.

Question of Sport ?

I bring you ... Duck Football

Canal United (pictured above) utilising the 4-4-2 formation.

Shake your music maker!

A list of good albums I've purchased this year;

The best of Bananarama - Bananarama
Who Killed the Zutons
Prefab Sprout - The best of prefab sprout
Keane

Haircut 100

My hair has been getting into a state lately, I'm trying to grow it before its too late and I cant any longer. So trying to keep length on top, but keeping it nice looking at the back and sides has been a pain. I tend to try doing it myself, and end up shaving it all off, back to square one. Over the last couple of weeks, things have been living in my hair, things like squirrels and chipmonks - so prompted me to pay a professional £8.50 to cut and shape my hair. This is the first time I've been to a Gents Barbers for about 3 years - needless to say, it was an experience and was a little scared.

Lock Shock and Barrel

Saturday was the re-opening of the Lock Stock and Barrel in Leamington (Hiya John) - litterally over the road from Canal House Properties. One of the lads from work and his brothers * had taken over the place and we were invited via loads of emails at work. I was going to have a quiet one, but thought - bugger it, why not. So, after pre-pub drinks with John and Debbie, we had a quick pint - at which point Captain Geordie Mike, his Girlfriend, Super Gary and his bird, and Tom turned up. Feeling a little dodgy about strange looking people walking around, obviously setting up some drug run/eating/drinking/getting knocked over by pikey kids - we decided to venture down to the Jug and Jester for quiet drinks, where myself Tom and Mike reminised about the Keegan era, the pro's and con's of the season that nearly was and our failings over the years.

Anyhoo, after huge amounts of alcohol we stumbled back - although unlike the previous times, managed to avoid next doors "come in and have a quick one - Warning : You will stay til 03:45 drinking & singing Gold at the top of your voice very very badly" offer - and somehow got into bed around 01:00.

Hotel California - well Hotel NY

Well, after weeks of faffing around trying to coordinate the hotel accomodation between myself, Captain Rich and General Chester in NY managed to get resolved. After weeks of fact finding to which hotel was best suited, decent price and easily located in the fine city of NY, I managed to find a nice one - priced at US$109 per night. So, all that was needed was for everyone to book the room at the same to ensure there was enough rooms. Of course, typical Wharton style, the General booked his on Friday without thinking about asking if he could do mine and Rich's at the same time. Needless to say, myself and Captain Haphazzard have now managed to reserve our rooms - c'est fantastique!

No news on insurance payout for the car - god damn it! Gonna give them a nice call tomorrow to chase them up, but been looking at the rather nice looking Fiesta Zetec S which isnt out til Jan 8th. Once again, I will be rallying around Leamington (hello john) like I used to in my Rover 25 and Ford Ka - lush

Woah, Pizza Dude

Its been about two weeks since I saw my top quality neighbours, and probably 3 or 4 since I indulged in beer fest with them. So I thought I would be a little sociable and a little bit if a cheapskate, so asked if they fancied going to Pizza Hut with some vouchers I won at the quiz months ago. So, of course, in true traditional style, two bottles of wine later, we're down the Jug and Jester drinking Stella. I blink and its closing time, but not before bumping into one of our other neighbours, the rather lovely, sexy & cute Jo.

We retire back to John and Debbie's for (well me, water - coz I could barely talk) drinks and singstar 2 - of which I end up loosing against someone singing Gold - arse.

I woke up, rolled out of bed and rolled down to the Well to watch Chelsea v Newcastle - Tom and Abbi joined me, and remotely assisting in Managerial Armchair strategy was Geordie Mike. Of course, we end up loosing 4-0 - which improved my mood *.

I wandered into town, to be surrounded by shoppers who just stop for no reason - this pissed me off, so popped into Fop and purchased "Who Killed the Zutons" - which by all accounts is a great album.

Tonight, we're going to the grand opening of the Lock Dock and Barrel (just over the road) - hopefully a short one tonight tho

Should have gone to King Baba's

Bit of a strange night lastnight. One of our insurance related customers was visiting work and the account manager was taking them out for entertainment. Although they had a couple of people to attend already, it was a case of getting techies to attend to make the numbers up. I was told;

• I wouldnt need to buy any beers or any food
• I had to behave myself and not call anyone a "shambles"
• Be polite, not use my typical geordie charm of swearing constantly
• Not to get too boozed up, as my drinking mate Captain Rich and I tend to lead each other astray.

So, Rich and I walk up into town to the Lounge to be faced with - "Put any drinks on tab 100 - thats 100". Myself and Rich just grinned from ear to ear with a licence to complete alcohol abuse, but still held back. Next thing I know ... I hear one of the other techies calling the customer a "shambles", of course this raised an internal giggle, but no - behaved myself. After 2 or 3 pints there, we went to the lovely Five Rivers (a posh curry place - "If I wanted a curry, I would go after 8 pints, expect dodgy wallpaper and pay 12 quid for 3 courses"). The table wasnt ready so we went to the lovely Jug and Jester. At this point Bob [ Rich's Team Leader ] (his dad was in hospital last week with a heart attack - so willing myself and Rich in with the details) decides to contantly talk, get boozed up and tell the lovely tale of how he went to ASDA and purchased a full outfit for 40 quid. Funny the first time ... after the 8th - no amount of Stella can help you.

Anyhoo, we ended up back at the Five Rivers, get some Moet down our necks, and order some food. It turns out (baring in mind I was sandwiched between the two customers) that Catherine doesnt like spicy food, so in Rich's wisdom hands her the plate of Spicy Starters - "You like kebab dont you? Surely you like kebab". I dont know why, but I found this funny (ok, maybe the amount of booze I had on an empty stomach) - so funny in fact I started crying with laughter. To which, the customers were a little concerned incase I was choking. Anyhoo, after some tiger beer and more moet, they all decide to go clubbing - myself and Rich were in a little bit of a state - so slipped off to the Well for a sly one, without really saying goodbye or thanks. Had a pint in the well to the point I could barely talk or stand and tried tapping up the lovely, sexy and cute Emma